Life In Chauncelot

I always wondered about those dumplings!

2011-07-23T00:39:00.000-04:00

I can't believe the local Chinese buffet is so blatant about what they're serving! I prefer ignorance about what's really in my food ... Geez.

Da Nu Thang

2011-07-13T19:42:00.000-04:00

I have 4 things to say about this video:

1. HOLY JESUS!

2. WTF is up with that horrifying looking woman?

3. Christians should not rap. Ever. Never. No. Go away.

4. I think I'll stick to the devil's music ...

How Casey Anthony Ruined Facebook (for me)

2011-07-11T19:04:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Casey Anthony, I can barely tolerate going on Facebook anymore. I thought the postings about "WTF is wrong with the justice system," "Those jurors are idiots," or the "If you wanna murder your kid and get away with it, move to Florida" posts would be over within 48 hours of the not guilty verdict. Holy shit, I was wrong!

They're just never-freakin'-ending.

I had no idea so many people on Facebook had their hearts wrapped up in this trial. People were so "shocked" with the verdict ... But why? Did anyone really pay attention to the trial? Did anyone see the prosecution's lack of evidence? Does anyone out there remember that it's not the defense's job to prove innocence, but the prosecution's burden to prove guilt?

Seriously, people.

Just because Casey Anthony had already been tried and convicted by the media, doesn't mean the same result will occur in a courtroom. Thankfully, the jurors reached their verdict based off of what was presented in the courtroom, rather than on Nancy Grace. And, if you ever have to face a jury of your peers, I'll bet you'll hope for the same thing.

Regardless of whether Casey Anthony was acquitted of murder in the eyes of the law, she was guilty 3 years ago in the eyes of the public. She will never lead a normal life. She will probably never lead a good life. She'll be doing porn in a couple of years. After that, she'll end up on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Casey Anthony will be living in prison long after she's been released.

So, Facebook friends - Your posts about Casey Anthony irritated me so much that, instead of my usual checking of Facebook 50 times a day, I didn't go on at all yesterday and totally didn't know my BFF's son broke his damn leg .... Casey Anthony is ruining my means of communication with close friends and family and I simply can't take anymore of this!

No you didn't!

2011-07-08T20:54:00.000-04:00

Today was a day filled with many minor annoyances, but a huge mother-effin' annoyance happened during my lunch hour. I was driving on the highway back to work when suddenly I see a cop pull up behind me with his lights flashing. I look down at my speed and see that I have my cruise set at barely over 55 miles per hour, so I start thinking that something must be wrong with my car ...

Well, the Super Trooper comes up to my window and says "You late for something, ma'am?"

Me: Um, no. Why?

Super Trooper: You were going pretty fast?

Me: *shocked* I was??? How fast was I going? *thinking perhaps my speedometer is broken*

Super Trooper: How fast do you think you were going?

Me: Couldn't have been more than 58 ...

Super Trooper: You were going 57.

Me: *super freakin' shocked and annoyed now* REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Super Trooper: You do know that the speed limit is only 55 here?

Me: *trying to contain frustration* Yes, I do.

So then, the Super Trooper goes back to his car to run my plates and probably play a game of Angry Birds ... Meanwhile, I am fuming. I seriously just got pulled over for going 2 mother-freakin' miles over the speed limit! COME ON!

The Super Trooper comes back ... "Ma'am I'm giving you a Traffic Safety Warning this time. Please slow down in the future."

Me: *trying not to rolls eyes* Yeah, thanks.

It took me 8 years to figure out why everyone around here drives 5 miles under the speed limit. Now I understand.

Greek Mold-urt.

2011-07-06T20:43:00.001-04:00

Dear Athenos Greek Yogurt,

As I opened your strained nonfat honey yogurt this afternoon, which is usually filled with deliciousness, I was extremely horrified to find a large spot of blue/green mold growing on it. The expiration date wasn't even until July 25.

WTF.

I'm terribly disappointed, because I was extremely hungry and that was the only afternoon snack I had brought with me to work today. Basically, my body went in to starvation mode and I was so weak and lightheaded that I was unable to perform even the most basic tasks of my job.

You owe me $1 for the yogurt.

I hope this never happens again.

Thank you,
Danielle

5ifth of July

2011-07-05T17:12:00.000-04:00

Well hello there.

I've been gone awhile haven't I?

I can tell you that nothing exciting has happened in my life in the one week and a day that I've been absent from blogger. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I have been having 'staredowns' with Lady Dog-Whipped almost daily. After she threatened me, I didn't see her for a looooonnnngggg time. But, this past week she's been back to her usual business of letting her dog walk her through my yard. I really want to freak out on her, but I think that's what she wants. I'm fairly positive by the way she acts towards me that she's trying to annoy me as much as humanly possible. I can't decide what to do. So, I just stare at her. Oh - I did talk to her yesterday when I commented on how her outfit. She was all sexxed up in a white cowboy hat with silver sequin stuff on on the rim, a white tank top, and white shorty shorts. I'm guessing Lady Dog-Whipped is late 40's and most likely single. I think she uses the dog walking as a technique to land her a hot Chauncelot man. So, in my nicest voice possible I told her, "I just love your outfit." *rolling my eyes* She didn't respond.

I wish Albert was around. I would so much rather be tortured by him than her!

Trollin' at Fairy Fest

2011-06-27T19:45:00.001-04:00

My life is complete. This past weekend I was a troll for about 4 hours. I can die happy now!

We've never looked hotter than as trolls.

Each year, in a neighboring town, a Fairy Fest occurs. Even though I participated this year, I'm still not exactly sure what it is. All I know is that I was a troll, there were a bunch of people dressed up as fairies, and there was a fairy queen, who you could have tea with. The kids got a treasure map and could look for loot at various points. You could also get henna done, your face-painted, and even have your picture taken with this creepy Jack Sparrow wanna-be.

Still rockin' our sexiness.

My job as a troll entailed nothing more than standing by a bridge and scaring little kids. Yesssss! The BFF rocked it. She's got this English, witchy voice that she uses when telling kids she will eat them. There were at least 20 kids that were truly scared ... a handful of them cried. Hells yes!!

The Fairy Dogmother

This is NOT the Jack Sparrow wanna-be.

All in all, I enjoyed being a troll. I didn't think I would, but once I put on my troll costume, I realized I looked good. Really good ... I would totally be a troll again.

The Rumor Mill

2011-06-23T21:28:00.003-04:00

This afternoon, I learned that there is a rumor churning about me ... Basically, the rumor is that I'm pregnant. Yeah ... pregnant.

Um. WTF?

If the pregnancy rumor wasn't bad enough, the other part of it is that I got married "unexpectedly" because I'm pregnant.

Ahhhhh. Seriously, WTF?

Ok, first, I'm not pregnant. There is no baby in this belly. Second, I would never have gotten married for the sole reason of being pregnant. That's not how my brain works. I make decisions based off of how something would benefit me. After years of calculation, I finally determined marriage would indeed be beneficial to me: future schooling is free, health insurance purposes, I wanted half of Mason's retirement, I got $10 off my car insurance each month ... You see? Marriage = financially good things. Oh yeah, and I love Mason too ... So it all worked out.

Anyway, to the rumor starters, please start a new rumor about me that does not involve babies. The pregnancy thing sends a cold shiver up my spine. And, I have a major fear of pooping while giving birth so the likelihood of me giving birth is very slim. I would be happy with any rumors involving me as a serial killer, gambling addict, transvestite, or a plus size model. Thanks!

Happy Summer Solstice!

2011-06-21T19:35:00.001-04:00

Wicked thunderstorm brewing on the longest day of the year

"Whatever is dreamed on this night, will come to pass." - William Shakespeare

Sighting

2011-06-20T20:51:00.000-04:00

My Gram and Aunt have been in town visiting and, yesterday, as we were shopping, they spotted this oddly shaped tree trunk. It is eerily reminscent of someone I know!!!!! Um, that'd be Jesus! It's the mother-freakin' Jesus Tree. There was some debate about whether this tree was actually Jesus, a person praying, the Virgin Mary or perhaps an angel. But, I've concluded it is most definitely Jesus.

And, here's why. In my extensive Internet research on Jesus images, I've found that Jesus loves to raise his arms. See? This historical photo below shows an arms-raised-Jesus looking at an angel. Notice the head tilt backwards, which also correlates with the head tilt of the Jesus Tree.

Oh, here we go again with the arms raised, head tilt. Google Jesus. You will find hundreds, perhaps thousands of these historically accurate pictures.

Ok, now we have some close-ups of Jesus. These are important because they show Jesus with long, wavy hair. You'll notice that the shape of the tree above is depicting someone with long hair ... (hmmmmmmmm, Jesus perhaps???)

OMG! Scary picture of Jesus! But, even the freaky Jesus' have long, wavy hair. Again, google Jesus. He is never pictured with a buzz cut.

After my exhaustive research into Jesus, I think it is safe to say that, at the very least, the man loved to raise his arms, look at the sky and he definitely had long hair with a relaxed perm. That tree is Jesus and you freakin' know it.

(You can visit the Jesus Tree by going to Parkersburg, West Virginia. Parking at JoAnn Fabrics gives you an ideal viewing point. Enjoy.)

The Wolf Pack

2011-06-16T21:08:00.002-04:00

Well, we were not winners at Redneck Bingo this week - the BFF won $200 last week!!! - but we did have fun! Sadly, the old man bingo caller, with the liver spotted fingers, did not call out the right numbers this week. Ugh.

Oh well. Redneck Bingo always makes a bad day into a good one ... regardless of whether you win.

We march on, people. We march on.

Obviously,

2011-06-14T17:45:00.000-04:00

I did not like the banana chips!

A Wrestling Believer

2011-06-13T20:07:00.000-04:00

Paid in Full & Goodbyes

2011-06-12T18:44:00.000-04:00

I mowed the pastor's lawn. HELL. It was pure hell. That's to be expected, though, considering it was maybe the fourth time it's been mowed since the end of April when, ya know, grass started growing and needed to be cut weekly. But, anyway. It's done. I paid the dues for my wedding!

When I was taking a break from mowing, Albert came stomping down the alleyway. Yeah, Albert! Remember him? He's been MIA for awhile.

This was our conversation:

Albert: I RUNNIN' AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... (ineligible screaming) ... Piss me off okay!!!!!!!!!!!! Doncha even think 'bout it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Ok. Bye.

(YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!)

Animal(e) Crackers

2011-06-09T17:44:00.000-04:00

When did they start making animal crackers with genitalia? I miss the old androgynous ones ... :(

Pop versus Soda

2011-06-08T19:51:00.000-04:00

I scared myself really, really bad today. I was talking to someone on the phone and said, "I could really use an ice cold soda right now."

No. No, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It's not soda it's POP! What is wrong with me? Why did I say that? I never say that.

I even live in a blue state!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Blue = Pop, Yellow/Green = Soda, Red = Coke)

Basically, I washed my mouth out with soap as soon as I got home and swore that I would never say soda again. I've also decided that I will never live in yellow or greenish state, but could comfortably live in a red one because I like the word Coke.

Digital History

2011-06-07T19:22:00.001-04:00

I don't know if you've ever checked out the Library of Congress' website, but it's cool. Super cool. You can look at old newspapers, photographs, maps, and many more cool things that chronicle America's history.

Tonight, I was searching the digital photography section and found this picture:

It's from CHAUNCELOT! That's right, Chauncelot!

I also found two pictures of Mason's relatives.

Eddie Plenty Holes. Mason's great-grandfather.

Horse's Ghost. Mason's great-great grandfather.

Library of Congress = Cool, cool things.

A Wedding Story

2011-06-06T18:12:00.000-04:00

So, the big news of the day is ... I'M MARRIED!

Are you shocked?

You should be. I was. I am. But, it's true. My relationship is now recognized legally. I got married on June 2!

Let me tell you the story. A couple weeks ago, I decided that it was indeed time to get married. Mason was super happy because he's been wanting to do it for years now. The plan was that we would get the marriage license and get married on the same day. We decided it would be Friday, May 27 since we both had the day off from work. So, at 8:30am we were at the Courthouse. As I was standing there paying $50 for the license I looked on the wall and saw this sign that said "Marriage ceremonies by a judge are $50." Um, excuse me? I had to pay $50 for the license and now an extra $50 for a judge to sign this thing. No. No freakin' thank you. Why would I pay to get married??? Someone should be paying me!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, we were now on to Plan B. Although, at the time, I had no idea what Plan B was, although I knew it would not involve me paying more money.

A couple days went by and I suggested to Mason that we should ask our next door neighbor to do it since she's a pastor. I was nervous about asking her, though. Since she's friends with God and all that, I figured she wouldn't be comfortable signing the certificate without a religious-type cermony. Although, I have heard her use the "F" word before as well as seen her wearing Budweiser shirts so I shoulda just chilled out. Anyway, I finally asked her last Thursday. I told her that in exchange for marrying us we would happily mow her lawn (since it is almost never mowed). She was totally cool with it. And, very happy to (finally) have a mowed lawn. She told me to come over after Mason got off work and she'd do it.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As soon as Mason got home, we went over. She brought us into the office in her home, but told us not to sit down because the chairs were covered in cat hair. And, when I say they were COVERED that's putting it lightly. I think she may be a Godly cat-hoarder. But, it's OK 'cause she married us.

Official Wedding Photo

Don't you love her Bon Jovi tee? Or the fact that Mason dressed up and I wore jeans?

Here's one of her cats that attended the ceremony ...

Photo with our wedding guest

It seriously turned out better than I expected. I'm not into white dresses, formal ceremonies, or dancing so a Chauncelot wedding with a Bon Jovi-lovin', cat-hoarding pastor was AWESOME and totally my style! Even if I do have to mow her lawn ... Right after we got married, we hurried off to our reception which consisted of fabulous McDonald's and several games of Redneck Bingo with the BFFs. Again, it was ... AWESOME. Our honeymoon? Oh yes. I went to Indiana with the BFF and Mason went to work. Do I even have to say it???? (AWESOME!)

So, there you have it. I'm a married woman. And, that's my wedding story.

You think there's any chance this will be featured on TLC????

Wax On/Wax Off

2011-06-05T19:12:00.000-04:00

I have fallen prey to yet another dumb app game on my iPhone, Crazy Waxing. Basically ... you wax people. And, I think eventually, if you're really good you get a golden razor. That part I don't get though ... Why would you want to ever shave again after experiencing the joys of waxing?? Makes no sense whatsoever!

So far, I've only waxed this guy's beard, so I'm hoping that more people come to my salon and I can progress to waxing eyebrows, legs, lips, and my all-time favorite, arm pits!!! I probably have to actually buy the game though to wax anything super cool ... And, even for a fun waxing game, I refuse to spend money on it. We'll see!

FYI - Tomorrow's blog will be a must-read blog with big, big news so definitely tune in!

ROADTRIP

2011-06-04T20:56:00.001-04:00

Folks, the roadtrip was great! The BFF and I trekked it to Bloomington, Indiana to visit our long lost bestie, Charlie (not her real name, but I forgot to ask if I could use her real name!). It was a jam-packed day of touring the sights, playing at the park, drinking beer, discussing our traumatic life events, drinking beer, eating, more talking, and then more beer drinking and eating. It was really wonderful and awesome.

Me, Charlie, BFF

Don't we look happy to see each other??!!

Me, BFF

Don't we look happy beer-sampling at the Upland Brewing Co.?

Corned Beef Cabbage at the Irish Lion

If you could see my face in this picture, I would ask, "Don't I look happy eating Corned Beef and Cabbage at The Irish Lion?"

Dublin Coddle at the Irish Lion!!!

Use your imagination ... Don't I look happy eating The Irish Lion's Dublin Coddle?????

The answer to all of those questions is, "Um, yes, yes we/I friggin' do look happy!"

Aside from a lovely reunification of friends, a highlight of the day was meeting a Life in Chauncelot blog fan!!!! Yes, people. That's right. I said a blog fan! This is huge, because I'm not related to her and I wasn't previously friends with her before yesterday!!!!!! O.M.G. Big day for me.

Here's a picture of us I pretty much forced her to take so I could blog about it:

BLOG FAN and Me

Don't I look freakin' happy? Ummm, yeah!

My eyes do look kinda crazy in this picture, though. Don't worry, I wasn't doing drugs. Sadly, I'm allergic to the entire state of Indiana so I was having a major allergy attack the entire time I was there. By the end of the night, my eyes were practically sealed shut. But, that's OK. All that matters is I have a blog fan/new friend and spent quality time with the besties.

**************

Thanks Charlie for everything. You're beautiful, amazing, and we love you, miss you, and can't wait to see you again!!

A Hop, Skip, and a 5-Hour Drive!

2011-06-02T21:46:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow the BFF and I are roadtripping it to see our long-lost bestie friend ... I'm SUPER EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, as you can see, so is my left arm.

A Poem. About Lilies.

2011-06-01T21:12:00.001-04:00

Lilies, lilies

I love lilies.

They make me silly.

Because they are lilies.

And, I love lilies.

They don't give me the willies

Like creeping charlie does.

I love lilies.

Lilies, lilies.

Recap

2011-05-31T21:03:00.000-04:00

I apologize for my absence, but my niece has been visiting and who wants to blog when you have way more important things to do!!!

Since I don't and won't get to see Elli very often (insert a very sad face), I decided that the few days I had with her would be spent doing all the things I find important in life ... I'm sure when she's 16 she'll remember all of this.

The first day she was in town we toured Chauncelot. All (almost) 9 month olds should have the opportunity to tour such a grand place. It makes them appreciate their parents a little more. It also makes them happy they don't live in Ohio. Elli definitely got the point.

The second day, we walked around the grounds of The Ridges, the old insane asylum. We also spent time in the adjoining cemeteries and marveled at all of the oddly numbered graves. We stole a few bricks too so that she would have a souvenir. I think Elli enjoyed spending time with dead people. What baby wouldn't?

The next day, we went to, what I consider to be, a very important event - The Moonshine Festival! The Moonshine Festival is a celebration of, yep you guessed it - Moonshine! Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to do any taste-testing, but we did learn how to illegally manufacture it. I think her Dad may make some, so she'll get her tasting in due time I'm sure.

All in all, our Aunt/niece time was well spent. I mean, doesn't a baby's dream vacation consist of Chauncelot-touring, graveyards, and whiskey? The answer is of-freakin'-course!

Elli 2

2011-05-28T21:44:00.001-04:00

She's here!

Elli

2011-05-27T22:30:00.000-04:00

I get to see this beautiful face in person tomorrow! YAY!!!!!

Daubers and Scandals

2011-05-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

Redneck Bingo has been taken to a new level ... Thanks to the BFF, we now have bingo daubers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The game tonight was rather scandalous, though. There were several "false alarm" wins because people who play Redneck Bingo are idiots and didn't listen to the old man when he said to "clear your cards for the second coverall." OMG. These dummies have now ruined it for the rest of us, because since there was so much drama this week they are only doing one coverall next week - to avoid confusion.

Um. It's bingo. How confusing can it be? Seriously, people. Get it together. For real.

Dear Son (2),

2011-05-25T20:28:00.000-04:00

Tonight, Mason and I had to go score our Bingo tickets 'cause tomorrow's Redneck Bingo night with the BFFs!! While we were out, we decided to grab some take-out for a late dinner. I forgot my phone at home so Mason gave me his to text Sean (AKA "the kid") to see what he wanted ...

When I opened the text messages this is what I found:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(To see more of Mason's fatherly love click here.)

On this day in history ...

2011-05-24T20:27:00.001-04:00

As an undergrad, I had a professor who would start each class by telling us a weird historical fact about the day. It never had anything to do with the material we were covering, so it was always kinda weird and out of place. What's really strange, though, is that I have always remembered the historical fact he told us about for today's date:

May 24, 1968: Mick Jagger was arrested for drug possession.

I don't even know if it's true! I always think of it, though, and, sadly, it's one of the few pieces of information I have actually retained from my school days.

Caleb and Sarah

2011-05-23T19:28:00.000-04:00

First, I'm sorry about not blogging yesterday. My internet was out all evening and I just quit trying to log on after about 9pm :(

Second, I need to tell you what happened to me today. This evening, as I was getting home from work and just getting out of my car, this big creeper conversion van pulls in really fast behind me and totally blocks my driveway. My first thought was, "Crap, it's the freakin' Dog Warden!" But, then, this middle-aged balding man, wearing a light blue polo shirt, jean shorts, and white socks with brown loafers gets out and says, "Ma'am, do you have a moment." And, it was at that moment that I spotted a cross hanging from his rear view mirror. Oh God, I know what this is. People spreading the Word. Grreeaattt. So, begrudgingly, I said, "Ah, yeah, I have a second."

He jumps out, says, "Hang on, please. Just hang on. We're trying to hit this block today," and runs around to the side of the van and I can hear him saying, "Get out! Hurry! She's right there!" At that point, I kinda got a little scared, because I was pretty sure these people were going to kidnap and torture me until I broke down and said I would read the Bible with them. But, instead of a bunch of Christians with Jesus masks and loaded guns, a little boy and girl run up to me:

BOY: "Hi, I'm Caleb and I'm 7. I'm inviting you to come worship with me on Sunday." (Caleb then hands me a flyer ... about Love.)

Now, it's the girl's turn to speak:

GIRL: "Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm 10. I can't wait to see you on Sunday." (Sarah gives me a magnet with a picture of the church I'm supposed to go to.)

Caleb and Sarah proceed to run back to the creeper van. The middle-aged balding man says, "Thanks for being patient," and gets in his van and speeds off. This entire event took less than 30 seconds!

I loved every minute of it. I was thinking I was going to be spending at least 20 minutes trying to come up with every excuse available as to why I don't go to church or read the Bible and these people didn't even care! They just wanted to spread the Word and get the hell out.

I love Chauncelot Christians!

Dog Warden's A'Coming.

2011-05-21T17:55:00.000-04:00

Do you all remember Lady Dog-Whipped? Well, lemme tell you something. I officially hate this woman ... and her little dog too!

Today, Lady Dog-Whipped and I had a confrontation. She decided to, once again, walk through my yard with her little ankle-biting rat dog. I was outside gardening and, of course, my dogs were out with me. Well, my dogs try to run up and smell her dog and when they do, she totally flips out, picks up her dog, and starts glaring at me. Then, she starts walking away from me and yells out, "I guess there ain't no damn leash laws in this place!" I start to laugh, but just ignore her. She continues walking and then yells, "Looks like somebody's gonna get the goddamn Dog Warden called on them!" So, I say, very nicely I might add, "Look, if you have something to say to me why don't you turn around and say it to my face." But, she never turns around, instead she just screams, "I SAID, I'M CALLING THE GODDAMN DOG WARDEN!"

Really, lady? Really. Stay the eff out of my yard and my dogs won't be a freakin' issue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was going to retaliate, but then I started drinking a Summer Shandy and decided I'd just rather sit on my porch and wait for either the Dog Warden or the apocalypse/giant earthquake/end of times/rapture crap that's supposed to happen in, oh, 7 minutes or so. We'll see who or what I get a visit from first!

Happy End Of Times everyone!

The End Cometh ...

2011-05-20T22:47:00.000-04:00

So, I'm sure by now everyone knows the big rumor that the rapture is coming ... supposedly at 6pm tomorrow.

This is all according to some dude named Harold Camping. He apparently predicted the rapture before and told everybody it was happening in 1994. When it didn't happen, he said that he made a minor mathematical error. Um, yeah ok. So now he says it's tomorrow, which is totally believable.

I've heard many different versions on what's going to occur, but basically all the believers are going to go to heaven tomorrow at 6pm and then all of us sinners are either going to experience 150 days of Hell on earth, or 513 days of Hell on earth, or there's just going to be a huge earthquake/volcano and we'll all die.

I'm scared. Ok, not really, but I'll pretend.

I'm fairly certain that I won't be taken in the rapture. So, my plan, if we all don't suddenly die in an earthly explosion, is this: I will be with my BFF who has major firepower and also lives in a relatively secluded house. We will create an apocalypse plan which will consist of looting the crap out of the entire city and gunning down anyone in our way. Oh yes, friends ... It will be bloody mayhem, because the only rule about the apocalypse is there are no rules. It's every woman for herself. And, just like Bon Jovi, we plan to go down in a blaze of glory.

Good luck tomorrow, my friends. Those of us left are gonna need it.

Redneck Bingo Thursday!

2011-05-19T20:45:00.000-04:00

My BFF and I have a thing on Thursday nights now. We call it Rutter Bingo, but for all y'all who don't know what "rutter" is, we'll just call it Redneck Bingo.

Basically, Redneck Bingo is awesome. You buy the cards at local area gas stations/liquor stores, sit at home, tune in to the local cable channel, and anxiously watch an old man read the numbers. Tonight they played 7 games for a possible win of $200 each and then they played 2 coveralls for $1500 and $1000 each. The entire experience is exciting and stressful. I almost won like 3 different times. Almost.

Next week, Redneck Bingo is going to be at least 1000 times more awesome than usual because ... Me and the BFF have Friday off, which means we can do Redneck Bingo + 4 Loco ... And you know what that means: FREAKIN' AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursdays. My new favorite day of the week.

Obsessed

2011-05-18T19:30:00.000-04:00

Blogs I'm obsessed with ... And you should be too.

The Santorialist
Zen Habits
Unhappy Hipsters
FAIL Blog
Blogosphere of Jasons (plural)

G. C.

2011-05-17T19:24:00.000-04:00

George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f&*king hatreds." That's exactly how I feel about emptying the dishwasher ... and slow drivers, dumb people, Fox News, meetings, weeds, and HMO's to name a few.

Happy freakin' Tuesday!!!!!!!!

It's Monday ....

2011-05-16T20:29:00.001-04:00

And I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, TIRED.

I also have a raging bad headache. So, I'm done for the night.

See you tomorrow, my friends. Remember, tomorrow is Tuesday and that means we're one day closer to Friday!

Listen to your friends.

2011-05-15T14:54:00.000-04:00

This morning, I was in the mood for a hot, non-coffee drink from Starbucks. I decided to try a Green Tea Latte, even though Tiffany warned me against it. I like Green Tea and I like lattes so what the hell! I'm gonna like this, I thought.

So, I ordered one.

I took a sip. Almost puked. It was probably the barfiest drink I have ever tasted in my life. It basically tasted like somebody dug up a clump of dirt and grass, blended it, and mixed it with milk.

It was beyond wrong.

I made Mason try it. He gagged. Then I dumped it in the parking lot.

Total waste of $3.60. I should've listened to Tiffany in the first place.

Ohhhh my Goddddddd!

2011-05-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

There was a double rainbow in Chauncelot this evening!!!!!!!!!

It was sooooooo beautiful.

It also totally reminded me of Double Rainbow Guy. One of my favorite YouTube clips. Enjoy:

Creepin'

2011-05-13T21:28:00.000-04:00

I'm a stage 5 stalker when it comes to Chauncelot. I spot an ambulance, police car, SWAT Team, or the big-breasted and usually braless fat lady that runs down the street, and I'm freakin' running outside or, at the very least, to the nearest window to get a glimpse of what's going on.

The ambulance sighting today, though, was totally uneventful. I'm not even sure what happened. The EMT's came, went into a house, and left without anybody on a stretcher ... (Yawn).

My window-creeping wasn't in vain, however. Like me, most of the neighborhood came out to watch, so I got to see some awesome mullets, holey wife-beaters, and even a King Cobra or two!

Double Dream Hands!!

2011-05-11T19:33:00.000-04:00

This, my friends, is why I love the Internet.

Sweet Bumper

2011-05-10T19:39:00.000-04:00

The guy driving in front of me today had a wooden bumper.

Why, you ask?

Probably because it's AWWWWESOME!

Duh.

Doggy Depression

2011-05-09T19:52:00.000-04:00

Hilde got in major trouble tonight for eating my Chocolate Mint plant . Now she is depressed ... THANK GOD ALMIGHTY!!

As long as she's depressed I won't have to deal with her constant licking, tail-chasing, barking, pacing, and whining. Maybe she will be sad forever! I can only hope ...

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T20:17:00.000-04:00

I love to garden because it reminds me of my Mom.

(Love you, Mom. Hope you had a good day! Sorry your card is going to be late ...)

Turkey Festival

2011-05-07T22:38:00.000-04:00

This evening I attended my first Turkey Festival in a neighboring county. I have absolutely no idea why it's called the Turkey Festival as I didn't see any turkeys around. Although, one of the vendors was selling turkey legs ... Anyway, it was AWESOME. I ate a gyro, a funnel cake, a taco, another funnel cake, fried vegetables and a bucket of fries. I also consumed Summer Shandys, Blue Moons, and sampled a fruit punch flavored 4 Loco.

Wow.

I have no pictures to share. Sadly, amidst all of our fun, I totally forgot to take any. (insert giganto sad face)

Ok, well, I am so freakin' tired right now I just can't even bear to type anything else. So, I shall end this post. G'night my friends. And remember - support your local Turkey Festival. We don't know why they exist, but God bless the turkeys that made these festivals possible. Merica!

Retrieving ...

2011-05-06T21:05:00.000-04:00

Netflix Instant Play + Crappy Internet Service = Very frustrated Sons of Anarchy viewer!!

The Honey Badger

2011-05-05T20:25:00.002-04:00

Plant Abuser

2011-05-04T21:59:00.001-04:00

My plants are all wilting, because they are desperately thirsty. And, yet, I refuse to water them. Well, I'm not refusing exactly ... I'm just too lazy to water them. I sit on the couch, or walk past them, and think "Wow, they're dried out!" but I simply cannot get myself to go to the sink, fill up the watering can, and nourish them back to life.

Oh, I'll water them eventually. I always do ... It just won't be for awhile. It's like I secretly enjoy torturing my plants and then bringing them back to life when they've almost succumbed to a slow, thirsty death.

I'm a sick, twisted plant abuser.

Please Do Not Disturb.

2011-05-03T20:10:00.000-04:00

No, seriously. Do not call, text, email me, or come to my house. If you live at my house .... well, do not talk to me.

I'm obsessively watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix instant play and have no time for real life.

Thank you,

Me.

I swear I'm not!!!!

2011-05-02T18:56:00.001-04:00

So, I saw this bumper sticker today and had to take a picture. Unfortunately, my camera phone sucks and thus the picture sucks, but don't worry .... I'll describe it for you!

The sticker says: "I like guys who can pitch a tent." Now, look on the bottom right side of the bumper sticker. See that small white strip that runs across? Well, if you were lucky enough to see it in person, you would know that the owner of the bumper sticker taped that strip on there and hand wrote: "I'M NOT GAY!"

Uhhhhhhhh ...

If you feel the need to qualify the bumper stickers you put on your car, you probably should just not put them up at all!

Yoga Poses

2011-05-01T19:38:00.000-04:00

So, I went to my yoga class today and it was really wonderful. I left feeling all relaxed and peaceful!

The hardest part of the class is learning how to do the poses correctly. Yoga looks so easy to me, but when you actually try it, it's really quite difficult. We did several on-the-floor poses today and the instructor was trying to get the class to position themselves correctly and she kept saying, "Pull your pubes to your navel!" "PUBES TO YOUR NAVEL!" (I'm not exaggerating, Ok. She was really saying that.)

It took me awhile, but I finally realized she was talking about the pubic bone and not, well, you know 'the pubes.' I coulda saved myself a lot of pain (and hair) if I had figured that out at the beginning!

Hairy Beast

2011-04-30T21:17:00.000-04:00

This evening, I waxed.

Miley + Biggie

2011-04-29T21:03:00.000-04:00

I hate to say it, but I totally dig this mash up.

Aromatic Herb Love

2011-04-28T20:30:00.000-04:00

The Chocolate Mint plant: chocolatey, minty, plantastic, smelly, tasty goodness.

Theorizing.

2011-04-27T19:46:00.004-04:00

I have a theory: Sunglasses are addicting. And, I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to sunglasses. Well, my eyes are addicted to them anyway.

I finally came to this conclusion today when I walked outside and was squinting terribly because the light was so bright. The thing is, though, it was cloudy. Really cloudy.

Wassup wit dat?

I've been noticing this eye problem over the past month ... the sun rarely shines around here anymore and yet, if I don't have sunglasses with me at all times, I feel like I can hardly see because the light seems so bright. So, my theory is that wearing dark lenses, perhaps excessively, leads to your eyes becoming accustomed to lower lights and then they are no longer able to tolerate "normal" light levels.

Well, ain't that a mother.

I have no evidence backing this theory of mine, other than my personal experience, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. I'm hoping to build a sunglass treatment program and capitalize on this! Maybe I can also involve the pharmaceutical companies and develop meds for this issue and then I'll really make bank!!

Oh yeahhhhhh!

Anyway, I suppose I should break my eye's addiction and start to wean myself off of sunglasses, but you know what? I just look way too sexy in sunglasses to do that. Holla!

Part 2 ...

2011-04-26T20:56:00.000-04:00

in the Dogs On A Couch series.

Should I?

Yesssss, yes I should.

Chainsaw Man

2011-04-25T20:30:00.001-04:00

The newest addition to the list of Chauncelot characters: Chainsaw Man. (Read about the other characters here, here, here, and here.)

I have seen Chainsaw Man on multiple occasions in Chauncelot. He seems to prefer back alleys, but I have also seen him walking on a main Chauncelot street - always with a chainsaw in hand.

Hmmmmmmm ...

Ok, I'm just gonna say it: He's a dead body sawer. People pay him to cut up the people they kill. Easier to dispose of that way. Easier to do it with a chainsaw too versus a knife. Easier to pay someone to do it for you.

Yuppp. That's gotta be it.

I mean why else would you carry a chainsaw around?

What the ...

2011-04-24T19:13:00.000-04:00

Ummmm, hello? It's supposedly Easter and yet there was no candy waiting for me this morning other than the Lifesaver Pep-O-Mints that I got for myself yesterday!!!!!

WTH.

Easter Bunny, you suck ... bad.

Bee Eff Eff Eff Nite!!!!!!!

2011-04-23T22:31:00.000-04:00

BFFF's ... Viking photo shoots ... Giant, freaky doll babies ... Paracord bracelets ... debauchery ... the Yes/No game ... inappropriate-ness ...

A perfect end to Easter's eve!

Athens International Film Festival

2011-04-22T21:51:00.000-04:00

I love freaky, artsy, international film fest week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight, my bud and I went to see Adult Fairy Tales which was comprised of 4 short movies. There were supposed to be 5 shorts, but they totally jipped us out of the 5th and without explanation! How freakin' dare they.

Anyway, allow me to summarize the shorts for you:

West Of The Moon - Basically, it's about a dude's dream. It reminded my bud of the movie Big Fish. I liked it.

Brookton Hollow - Um. Well. I think this dude is in love with a cow. The cow also seems to be a naked boy who only comes out at night, wearing nothing but a cowbell. The film ends with the cow turning into the naked boy and the naked boy and the dude run into the forest. (Sorry, I totally spoiled the movie for you.) The thing I liked best about this movie, though, were the credits that rolled at the end .... Here was the cast:

Kyle
Naked Boy
Father
Cow (Midge)

With a cast like that you know you're watching an awesome movie!!!

Clear Blue - I liked this movie the best. Basically, a 16 year old lifeguard falls in love with this 70 year old woman who swims in the pool everyday and can stay underwater forEVER. She turns out to be some kind of fish-thing who turns into a 16 year old girl underwater. It ends with the boy dying and the old lady jumping into the ocean. Sweet film.

Bird - I have no freakin' clue what this was about. A drunk dude has this bird that follows him around and then he tries to get it to fly. I don't know. Someone smarter than me needs to watch it and tell me what it means.

So far, I haven't seen anything that compares to the disturbing awesomeness that was Dogtooth at last year's film fest. But, with a week left, I'm determined to find it!

The Forecast

2011-04-21T19:05:00.000-04:00

calls for more rain. MORE RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This means the river is going to keep flooding, which means I have to keep driving the (way outta the way) flood route to go anywhere, which means that my life will be horrible for the next several days, which means that I will spend tons on gas, which all really means that I hate the rain's effin' guts!

They've arrived!

2011-04-20T19:25:00.000-04:00

Spotted the first hummingbird at my feeder today. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

(By the way - If anyone is headed to the grocery store, I need nutty bars, shaving cream, and lunch bags. Thanks.)

Mysterious Dude ...

2011-04-19T18:42:00.000-04:00

... spotted at a bar in Southeastern Ohio.

I think he loves meth, but I'm not totally sure.

Morel Mushrooms

2011-04-18T20:40:00.000-04:00

Two BFF's + Two Cans of Four Loco + Morel Mushroom Hunting =

Two BFF's ...

Totally freakin' Four Loco'd ...

... and ZERO MORELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The best Monday night ever!!)

Weeds ...

2011-04-17T19:00:00.000-04:00

Fairly certain that my front yard does not contain any grass ... :(

Hmmmmm ...

2011-04-16T19:57:00.000-04:00

Somebody's been digging in my garden!!!

Dollars and Cents

2011-04-15T19:30:00.000-04:00

Unexpected money in the mail today ...

HOLLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Insert Foot.

2011-04-14T18:13:00.000-04:00

So, Mason has a disease that's progressed into it's late stages ... it's called foot in the mouth disease. He constantly says things that he shouldn't. And then, he comes home and tells me what he said and I stare at him like "WTF is wrong with you?"

He needs meds for this.

Anyway, the background to what happened today is that this woman he works with had lap band weight loss surgery several months ago. So, ocassionally I ask him, "Has so-and-so lost any weight?" And, he always says, "Errrr, I don't know." Now, I haven't asked him this question in probably two months, OK.

So, when I get home from work today he says, "Ahhh, I think I said something really stupid today." I'm like, "Yeah, what's new. I'm sure you did." Then, he tells me that, for some bizarre and totally unknown reason, he goes up to the lap band woman and says:

"Danielle keeps asking me if you've lost weight and I can't tell. Have you?"

WTH Mason! Why would you ever in a million years say that to someone?

He doesn't know.

Neither do I.

So we drank beer.

McDinner

2011-04-13T18:48:00.001-04:00

Eating multiple McDoubles for dinner was an epic McStake. My stomach hates me right now.

Say Cheez!

2011-04-12T19:08:00.000-04:00

Cheese curds.

Curdy cheese!

Cheese curdiness!!!

Fried curdled cheese!!!!

CHEESE PLEEEAAASSSEEEEEEEE!!!!!

My friend sent me this picture just to torture me. I'm starving now. And, the only thing that will sastify this appetite is ...

CHEESE CURDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sad Face.

2011-04-11T19:35:00.001-04:00

Ugh.

Monday, you sucked.

***********

So, Jesus left me more stuff today - a cross and a pamphlet. The cross was totally awesome, but the pamphlet turned out to be Jehovah Witness literature ...

AHHHRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!

I have JW PTSD. Remember how they used to stalk me?

Then, later in the afternoon, I somehow ripped a major hole in my pants.

Yeah, seriously. It couldn't have been like a little hole, it had to be a massive ass crater. WTF.

I don't know exactly how or where the hole happened, but I'm almost positive a 3 year old demon child is the one who caused it. I noticed the huge tear AFTER I saw him. I should have known something bad was going to happen, because as soon as I saw him he ran up and hugged me and then told me he was actually a monster robot and began clawing me and my pants. So, I blame him. The demon child-monster robot-pants clawing 3 year old did this. I just know it.

***********

Tuesday, please don't suck. Thanks.

A Sun Day Poem

2011-04-10T20:29:00.000-04:00

Random metal dragonflys,

Plants blooming,

Walking,

Talking,

Pulling weeds.

Hummingbird feeders

are up.

Bird baths

are out.

Awesome was today.

But, tomorrow

I wear black.

For it is Monday.

Yuck.

I (Heart) Billy Idol

2011-04-09T20:19:00.002-04:00

No, I seriously do.

He's hot.

I was YouTubing his videos this evening for my own personal Idol freak out, when I came across YouTube's Literal Music Videos.

Have you ever watched them?

Omg. They're awesome. And, Billy Idol's White Wedding is one of them!

You have to watch it.

Oh - And watch Total Eclipse of the Heart and Safety Dance too!

Very cool.

**************

(In case you were wondering, the olive oil totally worked. My ears are back to hearing things again!)

hEARing

2011-04-08T19:24:00.000-04:00

For the past week or so my left ear has been giving me trouble. It started off feeling like I had a ton of water in my ear that wouldn't drain and then it turned into a dull ache and now this afternoon has completely plugged itself and I can no longer hear ... This evening, my right ear decided to do the same thing.

I literally can hardly hear right now.

Aside from the annoyance of people having to yell at me if they want me to hear them, my sudden onset of hearing loss due to massively plugged (or perhaps infected) ears has been quite peaceful. I have spent the evening in my garden in complete silence ... it's been lovely.

But, as nice as it has been not to hear Chauncelot chaos, I'm getting irritated because I just realized that it's going to be quite difficult for me to watch and hear the TV later on. And, we all know how very important the TV and my DVR'd shows are to me. So, I'm about to heat up some olive oil and pour it down my ears.

The hippies tell me this is a good remedy for ear problems.

Wish me luck that I may hear again!

In Love.

2011-04-07T18:23:00.000-04:00

Warm weather.

Sexy shades.

Raspberry Belgian-Style Wheat Ale.

Perfection.

Special Offer

2011-04-06T18:26:00.000-04:00

Uhhhhhhh ...

Unless they're serving magic beans, I'd say this dinner is a bit overpriced.

He Struck Again

2011-04-05T20:20:00.001-04:00

Yup. Jesus left me another gift and a note today. (Click here first and then here if you have no idea what I'm talking about.) Here's what the latest note said:

Remember that scene in Fight Club when Ed Norton has his 'WTF' moment and realizes he and Brad Pitt are one and the same?

It's sort of like Me and chocolate. There's a reason you feel better after you eat it. (Duh).

Enjoy the fish. Missed you Sunday.

- Jesus

*****

When you're close with Jesus like I am, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to spread the Word and all that. So, I'm thinking about possibly becoming a Sunday school teacher and teaching the kids what I have learned from Jesus. These are just some sample lesson plans of mine:

Topic 1: WTF kids! Let's talk like Jesus.

Possible Activities: (Large group) Discuss curse words and all the acronyms for curse words. (Small group) Role play talking like Jesus by using the phrase WTF in various sentences.

Topic 2: Fight Like Jesus.

Possible Activities: (Large group) Watch Fight Club and talk about the themes of Jesus throughout the movie. (Another large group activity) Eat chocolate and then just sit there until the parents are ready to pick them up.

Topic 3: This Blows.

Possible Activities: (Large group) Talk about how Jesus will give you chocolate and free gifts if you never come to church or Sunday school again. (Another large group activity) Teacher brings chocolate and free gifts to class to keep students entertained while she sleeps in a corner and wonders why she ever decided to become a Sunday school teacher.

My favorite food ...

2011-04-04T20:03:00.000-04:00

of the moment is Oikos Greek Yogurt with caramel on the bottom. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!

The Original Crime Family

2011-04-03T19:39:00.001-04:00

The Borgias premieres tonight :)

I'm expecting awesomeness from this new series. From what I've read, it contains everything I love (or that I think is creepy cool): crime, Jesus, evil, The Papacy, Jeremy Irons, murder and mayhem. And, it better live up to my expectations!

Now ... Let the sinning commence!!!

DIY Facelift

2011-04-02T19:54:00.000-04:00

Since turning 30, I've been doing these exercises daily.

Helpful Hint: Make sure to put on your leotard and Aqua Net the hell out of your hair before you do them. It makes the workout that much better!

Suessical The Musical

2011-04-01T22:49:00.000-04:00

I have so many thinks,

I can't think them straight.

But one thing I know

That play was great!

The best part?

Too many to name

But one thing's for sure

The mini BFF was on her game!

I meant what I said and I said what I meant!

Suessical The Musical was way freakin' better than Rent!!!

Dogs On A Couch.

2011-03-31T18:49:00.000-04:00

The End.

Ask. Receive. Seek. Find.

2011-03-30T19:51:00.000-04:00

So, remember how yesterday someone left me that prayer card thingy and I accepted Jesus into my heart and it was totally awesome?

Well, holy Mother crapper, today was even better!!!

Look what I found on my desk:

You saw who signed the letter right?

Yup. That'd be Jesus.

I'm thinking the Jesus stickers must be like the free gift you get after you accept Him into your heart. But, who would've thought Jesus delivered those personally? Had I known you got a welcome gift, I would've joined a long freakin' time ago!

Bottom line: my life has been transformed. I don't just feel loved now ... I feel Loved - Yeah that's right, with a capital L!!

Thanks Jesus. You're the best.

Geez Us

2011-03-29T18:49:00.000-04:00

At the end of the day, after a quick bathroom break, I returned to my office and discovered someone had left some kind of a freakin' prayer card on my computer.

I'm guessing that's Mary and baby Jesus on the front. Although, to me, baby Jesus looks more mannish than babyish. But, what do I know? On the back of card, there's a long prayer about Life.

Some soul out there is obviously worried about my soul.

So, I read the prayer card, asked Jesus into my heart, and it's all good now.

Thank you for saving me, prayer-card-leaver.

Without further adieu ...

2011-03-28T20:57:00.000-04:00

I proudly present ... THE REDNECK LIMO

Don't even try to tell me that's not one awesome beast!!!!

(Thanks Angie for the pic!)

A Blog A Day.

2011-03-27T17:09:00.000-04:00

I'm not even going to apologize anymore for my blogging absence ... it's getting old even for me. So, all I will say is that during my time off I've done a lot of reflection on why I'm not blogging regularly and it really all comes down to lack of motivation. I had no problem with daily blogging when I was doing my Picture A Day series, because I had a set goal. So, here's my newest bloggy goal ...

I will be blogging every single day ... UNITL ... I move closer to my famdamily in the Northern Lands! So you may have me for a few months or for life - who knows?!

Alrighty, let me catch you up on my life over the past couple of months:

The weight loss competition is over. I lost 14 pounds total. YAY!!
I decided to let someone at Walmart wax my eyebrows and what a nightmare that was. I basically have one eyebrow that is about an inch shorter and differently shaped from the other one. Even Mason noticed it, so I knew it wasn't good.
I have allergies again! I haven't had allergy problems since I left the North and now they are back with a vengeance.
I am still watching hours of bad television. Pregnant In Heels just started on Bravo and I'm hooked!
I still don't like people, but I do think I hate people now more than I did a couple of months ago. And, I'm such a proud Auntie because my little niece Elli hates people too! Just look at her expression when someone gets too close ... It brings a tear to my eye!

Over the past week, the police have been at my neighbor's house on five different occasions. An ambulance has been at my other neighbor's house twice. I spotted Albert three times. And, I heard at least two screaming matches between different couples on my street. Ahhhhhhh, Spring-time in Chauncelot is the best!

Until tomorrow ...

T Minus 30

2011-02-16T19:01:00.001-05:00

Less than a month left in the weight loss competition!

Sadly, I haven't lost what I should've lost by this point to really be a competitor in this thing, but I'm doing OK ... So far, I'm down 9 pounds.

Slow progress, to say the least!

I'm psyched, though, because my new heart rate monitor just came in the mail today. YAY! I got a Timex chest strap thingy and I'm hoping it works. The last monitor I tried liked to reset itself or not read my heart rate, so it pretty much sucked and I never knew if I was exercising in the right zone .... Hopefully, this one will be more accurate and keep me in check on whether I'm burning fat, just wasting my time, or about to die.

I really hope my heart appreciates the money I spent on this thing.

Anyway, I gotta go do a bunch of sit-stand up exercises to gauge my maximum heart rate, so I'm gonna keep this short ... Have a good night everyone :)

Eye Can't See

2011-02-13T16:45:00.000-05:00

I've had two experiences over the last week that have led me to a harsh realization - I need to see an eye doctor.

The first experience happened at Walmart. I was walking to the Lawn & Garden section to check out their clearance specials, when I spotted an 8 foot tall woman with green and white striped hair. As I got closer, though, I realized the giant, freaky woman was really a display of Ohio University Bobcat snuggies. Oops.

The second experience occurred sometime earlier in the week, but I didn't realize it until last night. I love the movie The Devil Wears Prada, so I was super excited when I saw it playing on Showtime. I DVR'd it of course! Last night, I was going to watch it before bed. As soon as I pressed play, though, I knew something was wrong ... two naked girls kissing before a fire? Um. I don't recall that being in the movie the last time I watched it!!?? Turns out I DVR'd The Devil Wears Nada. Errrrrrr .... Oops.

I'm scheduling an eye doctor appointment tomorrow.

Pee Strainer

2011-02-11T21:17:00.001-05:00

Mason thinks he has a kidney stone. So, instead of going to a doctor he's been peeing in a strainer all day to see if he captures it and then he's gonna go to the doctor .... Um. Ok. That makes sense.

Anyway ...

What I find highly irritating about this whole thing, is that of all the strainers he could have chosen, he chose my tea strainer ... the only one I have that fits perfectly in my cup.

Fantastic.

It's now a pee strainer.

Mason told me he's going to wash it tonight so I can use it for my tea in the morning. Oh, gee thanks. Seriously, Mason ... How can I ever use that strainer again and actually enjoy a cup of tea, without thinking about the bloody urine that once passed through it in the hopes that a kidney stone would be caught????????

Fridge Thief

2011-02-09T19:45:00.001-05:00

Mason found this note hanging in his work fridge today:

Whoever took the Diet Mt Dew
I now have a headache. Thank you!
Please return it tomorrow

Don't eff with a person's caffeine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy Crap

2011-02-07T20:14:00.001-05:00

It's been like 2 weeks since I posted!!!! I am so terribly sorry for my unexpected absence. I don't really have any good excuses either ... I was just, well, lazy. (Sigh)

But, it won't happen again (at least for awhile).

Since I've been gone for so long, 12 days to be exact, I thought I'd fill you in on 12 pieces of exciting news that have happened to me over the past few weeks. Oh, yeah. Who am I kidding? I have no exciting news! So, instead I'll just update you on 12 boring things that have occurred over my long absence.

1. BLACK BEANS!!!!

I discovered my love of the bean. These little buggers are awesome! I literally eat these things straight out of the can. Sometimes for breakfast. Sometimes as a midnight snack. Actually, I'm eating them as I write this post. They are soooooooooo good!

2. United States of Tara Seasons 1 & 2

I found another favorite TV show! Who knew Multiple Personality Disorder could be funny???!!!

3. iPod Blues

I realized I'm sick of every single song on my iPod and desperately need some new musical suggestions ... And, don't suggest Bruno Mars because I hate him and I hate that song of his that's played on the radio like every 5 minutes.

4. Work from Home

Over the past couple weeks, I've realized my dreams of working at home are looking dimmer by the minute. (Sobbing heavily ...)

5. Step Aerobics Instructor

I don't like my Step Aerobics teacher. I came to that realization today, when she instructed the class to do this really weird abdominal workout, that basically looks like you're humping air when you do it. Ahhhh, yeah. I'd rather have flabby abs than do that move!

6. Cardiovascular Improvements

My endurance levels have drastically increased! I no longer feel like I'm at the brink of death during my workouts ... YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Tabatha

I love that Tabatha chick from the Salon Takeover show on Bravo. Her black outfits and bleach blond hair have me hooked!

8. Teeth

I think I discovered a cavity. I guess after 5 years of not going to the dentist, a trip may be in my near future. Boooooo

9. Mark of the Beast

Something really strange has been happening. The past two mornings, I wake up with a burning sensation in my left thumb and I have 3 splinters embedded in there that I need to pick out. It's totally bizarre and freaky. I have no idea how I'm getting these splinters in my sleep either. I think it's the mark of the beast ... I believe I'm doomed. Wish me luck on this one!

10. Dreams

Sadly, I've been having dreams where dogs are being shot with arrows. I can never find the arrow shooter though and I can never save the dogs. What does this mean?????? Pretty certain these dreams are somehow correlated with my mark of the beast affliction.

11. Apple Cider Vinegar and Rosemary

I'm rinsing my hair with an Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV) and fresh Rosemary concoction. I read somewhere that Rosemary is supposed to reverse or prevent gray hair and since I already use ACV on my hair I figured why not throw some Rosemary sprigs in there as well! So far ... no grays ... but I didn't have any before I started using the Rosemary concoction either, so who really knows? When I'm 80 and still have natural brown hair we can all conclude that my experiment worked!

12. Loss

I've lost 8.6 pounds so far for my weight loss competition!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Son,

2011-01-26T20:45:00.001-05:00

So, the other kid is currently at bootcamp in Parris Island, South Carolina. He's been there since the end of November and will be graduating at the end of February. I write him a letter every day. I ~~force~~ ask Mason to write him once a week. And, each week we pretty much have the same conversation about writing a letter ...

Me: Write a letter tonight, OK?

Mason: About what? Nothin' new happened this week.

Me: Who cares!!! Just write a freakin' letter.

I've never read Mason's letters before, but I think I'm gonna have to start because they're ... ummm ... interesting. Here's the one I found on the kitchen table tonight:

Hey Mike,

I have really nothing to tell you that’s new so I’m doing my best. I go to work everyday, stuff happens, I come home, watch some t.v. and pass out. I’m boring as hell. I occasionally poop in there sometimes, and that’s the highlight. I’m sorry I have nothing much to say.

Hilde [our dog] is getting way worse. She just chases her tall ALL FRICKING DAY! Half the time she brains herself and she doesn’t even stop. I don’t even notice anymore. I’m used to her being so messed up I guess. What a messed up life, chase your tail, lick your butt, drink a shit ton of water, and pass out. My life isn’t that messed up, I don’t lick my butt at least.

Well son, I can’t wait to see you and I love you, Dad.

********

I laughed for about a half an hour after I read this.

Weight ... Wait?

2011-01-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

Hmmmmm ... I only lost 1 pound this week for the weight loss competition I'm in.

Bummer.

It's still a loss, which is good, but I was really hoping to lose between 1.5 and 2 pounds each week. Crappers. I know my major barrier to losing weight is the WEEKENDS. I do well all week and then when the weekend comes, it's like food Hell breaks loose.

I swear that my fridge was talking to me on Saturday. It kept staring at me and saying "Danielleeeeeee ... Open me up. There's cheese cubes in here." Then once I ate some cheese cubes, Mason's Nut Goody bar in the bottom shelf grew legs and walked right into my mouth. I swear it did. It was ~~wonderful~~ awful.

Somehow I need to learn to get through the weekends without going food-binge-crazy. I have no idea how I'm going to do this yet .... Today's Monday, though, so I only have a few days to come up with a plan before Friday hits. If I really can't come up with anything, I think I'll just try sewing my mouth shut for the weekend ... that should pretty much take care of my ability to binge out too much :)

I'll keep ya posted.

Road Ragers

2011-01-22T18:54:00.000-05:00

Apparently I'm a bad driver.

I never thought I was until this past week. On Monday, I was driving behind this car when suddenly the guy pulls to the side of the road, rolls down his window, flips me off and screams something at me as I drive past. Okkkaaayyyy. I thought maybe the guy was just having a bad day or something. I didn't think anything of it, until Wednesday when basically the same thing happened, except instead of just flipping me off this guy is also frantically waving his hands for me to pass him. Well, it was more like a "GET THE HELL IN FRONT OF ME THEN" kind of waving.

Um. Is this a coincidence?

At the time I decided it was. Definitely a coincidence. Just two different people having a bad day and decided to take it out on me.

But, then ...

It happened again today. THE THIRD TIME IN A WEEK! I made some other driver angry. Again, I was following them and they pull to the side and scream, swear, and flip me off.

WHAT. THE. BAJESUS.

So, then at dinner tonight I ask both Mason and the kid if I drive too closely behind people. And, without missing a nanosecond they both say "YESSSSSS!"

OMG.

I'm an unconscious tail-gater. I seriously don't mean to do that. Apparently, I don't even realize I am doing it!! But, I must be really bad about it for three people in one week's time period to become so incensed with me they had to pull off the road.

To tell you the truth, I'm a little scared to drive now. If I don't even realize the extent of my tail-gating, what other horrible driving things might I be doing????? Yikers.

Anyway, I've officially joined the Bad Driver Club. Yay me. Just remember me the next time someone is tail gating you, 'cause when you flip them off and they have this look of utter confusion like, "What I'd do? Why you picking on me?" ... maybe, just maybe, they have an unconscious tail-gating problem ...

Forgive them and drive on.

Status Update

2011-01-19T20:30:00.000-05:00

So, it's week 2 of the Athens Takes It Off competition ... or wait. Is it week 2 or week 3? I have no freakin' clue. I think it's the end of week 2 and beginning of week 3. Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, I lost 1.6 pounds this past week for a total of 4.2 pounds so far.

YAY!!!!!

I've been working out 6 days a week and tracking my calorie intake with My Fitness Pal iPhone app. I hate tracking calories, because it feels a bit obsessive to me, but I find it necessary. If I'm not completely aware of what I'm eating and how many calories it is, I just end up eating and eating and eating. And then eating more. And more.

You get the idea.

This whole thing is a royal pain in my arse, though. I wish I was just naturally thin and didn't have to worry about this crap. I don't know if I believe in reincarnation or not, but if it really does happen I just hope that in my next life I'm born with a super high metabolism (and lots of money).

Monday, but my Sunday

2011-01-17T16:59:00.001-05:00

Sorry for not posting last night. Sadly, the power went out at my house and instead of sitting in the cold and dark we decided to go see a movie. I didn't get back until late and, at that point, all I could think about was MY BED!!!

The movie we saw last night was Black Swan. Even though I found it predictable, I really liked it. Darren Aronofsky is one of my favorite directors ... He's directed movies like The Wrestler, Requiem for a Dream, and The Fountain. I find that watching his movies are liking watching real life situations, the actors don't seem to be acting. He's amazing. Anyway, I loved Natalie Portman in this movie, but I usually love her ... I also loved the ballet scenes, which is odd because I hate ballet. The movie actually made me want to go see a production of Swan Lake. Totally weird, I know. The worst part of the movie was all the popcorn and mini snickers bars I ate. Major failure on the diet front. (Oops.) Overall, though, I found Black Swan to be a good movie and was very happy I went to see it!

Today, I've been hanging out doing a whole lotta nothing!! Oh - I did bake some yummy vegan doughnuts thanks to Angela's recipe over at Oh She Glows ....

Wait ... those don't look like doughnuts to you? Yeah, well, I kinda failed in my ability to shape them like doughnuts so I gave up and made them into cupcakes instead. They were still super delish!

Tonight, my plans also include a whole lotta nothing as well as trying to combat my "back to work tomorrow" blues. Ugh!

Zodiac Killers

2011-01-14T20:15:00.000-05:00

So, as I was spinning away at spin class this morning, my friend tells me that there's been a change to the Zodiac signs and that I may not be what I've always thought I've been!!!!!

Whaaaaa????????

My heart can barely take spin class let alone news that this Pisces may not really be a Pisces!!!!!!

Well, I've been researching the new Zodiac stuff all night and it looks like the Minnesotans went and effed up my entire identity. Basically, the Minnesota Planetarium Society says that because of gravitational shifts, the alignment of the stars is off by about a month with the old Zodiac model. And, I guess there also used to be a 13th constellation, but the ancient Babylonians tossed it out for some reason and went with only 12. It looks like, though, the 13th one is back in the game. So, not only did our signs shift, but now there's an additional one!

The new Zodiac looks like this:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17. (THE NEW ONE!)
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

My birthday is March 11th ... Not only am I still a Pisces, but apparently I'm an Aquarius as well!

I feel so ...

TORN!

If the new Zodiac has your panties in a bunch, don't fret. Apparently, it's very controversial and many astrologers are poo-pooing the whole thing. This should be quite a relief to all the people who are wondering what to do with their Scorpio tattoo now that they're really a Libra!

Ms. Membrane

2011-01-12T19:59:00.000-05:00

So, I thought I'd update you on my auto-correct nightmare of last week. Basically, the teach emailed me back with a two-word reply: "It's fine."

Ummmm ...

Looks like someone isn't very happy with me!

Oh well. Miss Crabby Pants can hate me if she wants. I've forgiven myself for my epic mistake and that's all that matters, right? I will no longer wallow in auto-correct misery!!!!!!!!!!!! And, it's helpful to know I'm not alone in my auto-catastrophe ... Check out Damn You Auto Correct (really funny!).

Take It Off!

2011-01-10T19:45:00.000-05:00

So, I'm very happy to report that my first week in the weight loss competition has gone well. I've lost 2.6 pounds.

Yeah, baby!!!!!!!!!!

And, that's despite my 2,000+ calorie binge on pizza and beer Saturday night.

(Oops!)

I've been doing really well. The first two days were rough, though. Really rough. I thought my stomach was eating my entire body because I was sooooo hungry. But, I'm good now. I guess my body just had to adjust to eating 1400 calories per day versus the 10,000 it was used to.

I've also been doing excellent at working out. I got some free passes to a local gym and one of my friends convinced me to do a spin class with her. GREAT WORKOUT. (Although, my butt was severely bruised from sitting on that tiny and hard bike seat for 60 minutes at a time.) Today, I did a step aerobics class ... Ummm ... fairly certain I was almost at a point of death about 30 minutes into it. However, I ~~suffered~~ persevered through it and that too was a great, albeit killer, workout!

I've found that, for me, the best time to exercise is early in the morning. If I can get my workout for the day in by 7:30am, I'm golden. If I wait to do it until after work, I almost always talk myself out of it!

Anyway ... it's all good in the hood. Let's hope my second week is just as successful!

Thanks anyway.

2011-01-08T22:46:00.000-05:00

I guess when I wrote "get salt for the sidewalks" on the grocery list I should have been more specific, because now I have gigantic salt pellets spread all over my sidewalk and driveway ...

Um, Mason ... I meant the little salty things that people use for their walkways. Not the gigantic stuff meant for water softeners.

Thanks for trying, though.

Devil Spawn.

2011-01-06T20:24:00.000-05:00

I always knew there was a reason I hated cats ...

Kitlers

And, even the ones that don't look like him, look like him.

How Auto-Correct Ruined My Life

2011-01-04T20:34:00.000-05:00

Errrrrrrr ...

I totally screwed up today and I'm really freakin' embarrassed.

If any of you have an iPhone then you know that it often auto-corrects the words you're typing. Basically, the iPhone thinks it can read your freakin' mind and will suggest a word and unless you stop it, it will change to the auto-correct word. This feature is sometimes useful for me, sometimes annoying, but today it iFailed me BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the sitch: I was emailing the kid's English teacher on my iPhone. I finished typing, pressed send, and that's when .... I SAW IT. I saw the freakin' auto-correct. I was horrified. No, really. I was HORROR-fied.

My iPhone auto-corrected his teacher's last name and I didn't catch it until it was too late.

It auto-corrected her name to MEMBRANE.

Can you effin' believe that?????

MEMBRANE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to his teacher that starts out with "Hi Ms. Membrane." Her name isn't even remotely close to the word membrane ... it doesn't even start with an "m"!

(&$%#!)

After I saw what I had done, I literally fell down on the living room floor and just laid there ... completely and utterly mortified.

I ended up sending her another email saying, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. My phone auto-corrected your last name and I didn't catch it until it was too late. Please accept my apology for the previous email!!"

Jesus H, man.

I'm hoping she doesn't get offended and understands what happened. But, with my luck, she's probably uptight and psycho and will punish the kid because his step-mom called her Ms. Membrane.

(&$%#!)

I officially hate auto-correct!!!