Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Recap

I apologize for my absence, but my niece has been visiting and who wants to blog when you have way more important things to do!!!

Since I don't and won't get to see Elli very often (insert a very sad face), I decided that the few days I had with her would be spent doing all the things I find important in life ... I'm sure when she's 16 she'll remember all of this.

The first day she was in town we toured Chauncelot. All (almost) 9 month olds should have the opportunity to tour such a grand place. It makes them appreciate their parents a little more. It also makes them happy they don't live in Ohio. Elli definitely got the point.

The second day, we walked around the grounds of The Ridges, the old insane asylum. We also spent time in the adjoining cemeteries and marveled at all of the oddly numbered graves. We stole a few bricks too so that she would have a souvenir. I think Elli enjoyed spending time with dead people. What baby wouldn't?

The next day, we went to, what I consider to be, a very important event - The Moonshine Festival! The Moonshine Festival is a celebration of, yep you guessed it - Moonshine! Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to do any taste-testing, but we did learn how to illegally manufacture it. I think her Dad may make some, so she'll get her tasting in due time I'm sure.

All in all, our Aunt/niece time was well spent. I mean, doesn't a baby's dream vacation consist of Chauncelot-touring, graveyards, and whiskey? The answer is of-freakin'-course!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Friday, May 27, 2011

Elli


I get to see this beautiful face in person tomorrow! YAY!!!!!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Daubers and Scandals


Redneck Bingo has been taken to a new level ... Thanks to the BFF, we now have bingo daubers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The game tonight was rather scandalous, though. There were several "false alarm" wins because people who play Redneck Bingo are idiots and didn't listen to the old man when he said to "clear your cards for the second coverall." OMG. These dummies have now ruined it for the rest of us, because since there was so much drama this week they are only doing one coverall next week - to avoid confusion.

Um. It's bingo. How confusing can it be? Seriously, people. Get it together. For real.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Dear Son (2),

Tonight, Mason and I had to go score our Bingo tickets 'cause tomorrow's Redneck Bingo night with the BFFs!! While we were out, we decided to grab some take-out for a late dinner. I forgot my phone at home so Mason gave me his to text Sean (AKA "the kid") to see what he wanted ...

When I opened the text messages this is what I found:


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(To see more of Mason's fatherly love click here.)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

On this day in history ...

As an undergrad, I had a professor who would start each class by telling us a weird historical fact about the day. It never had anything to do with the material we were covering, so it was always kinda weird and out of place. What's really strange, though, is that I have always remembered the historical fact he told us about for today's date:

May 24, 1968: Mick Jagger was arrested for drug possession.

I don't even know if it's true! I always think of it, though, and, sadly, it's one of the few pieces of information I have actually retained from my school days.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Caleb and Sarah

First, I'm sorry about not blogging yesterday. My internet was out all evening and I just quit trying to log on after about 9pm :(

Second, I need to tell you what happened to me today. This evening, as I was getting home from work and just getting out of my car, this big creeper conversion van pulls in really fast behind me and totally blocks my driveway. My first thought was, "Crap, it's the freakin' Dog Warden!" But, then, this middle-aged balding man, wearing a light blue polo shirt, jean shorts, and white socks with brown loafers gets out and says, "Ma'am, do you have a moment." And, it was at that moment that I spotted a cross hanging from his rear view mirror. Oh God, I know what this is. People spreading the Word. Grreeaattt. So, begrudgingly, I said, "Ah, yeah, I have a second."

He jumps out, says, "Hang on, please. Just hang on. We're trying to hit this block today," and runs around to the side of the van and I can hear him saying, "Get out! Hurry! She's right there!" At that point, I kinda got a little scared, because I was pretty sure these people were going to kidnap and torture me until I broke down and said I would read the Bible with them. But, instead of a bunch of Christians with Jesus masks and loaded guns, a little boy and girl run up to me:

BOY: "Hi, I'm Caleb and I'm 7. I'm inviting you to come worship with me on Sunday." (Caleb then hands me a flyer ... about Love.)


Now, it's the girl's turn to speak:

GIRL: "Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm 10. I can't wait to see you on Sunday." (Sarah gives me a magnet with a picture of the church I'm supposed to go to.)


Caleb and Sarah proceed to run back to the creeper van. The middle-aged balding man says, "Thanks for being patient," and gets in his van and speeds off. This entire event took less than 30 seconds!

I loved every minute of it. I was thinking I was going to be spending at least 20 minutes trying to come up with every excuse available as to why I don't go to church or read the Bible and these people didn't even care! They just wanted to spread the Word and get the hell out.

I love Chauncelot Christians!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Dog Warden's A'Coming.

Do you all remember Lady Dog-Whipped? Well, lemme tell you something. I officially hate this woman ... and her little dog too!

Today, Lady Dog-Whipped and I had a confrontation. She decided to, once again, walk through my yard with her little ankle-biting rat dog. I was outside gardening and, of course, my dogs were out with me. Well, my dogs try to run up and smell her dog and when they do, she totally flips out, picks up her dog, and starts glaring at me. Then, she starts walking away from me and yells out, "I guess there ain't no damn leash laws in this place!" I start to laugh, but just ignore her. She continues walking and then yells, "Looks like somebody's gonna get the goddamn Dog Warden called on them!" So, I say, very nicely I might add, "Look, if you have something to say to me why don't you turn around and say it to my face." But, she never turns around, instead she just screams, "I SAID, I'M CALLING THE GODDAMN DOG WARDEN!"

Really, lady? Really. Stay the eff out of my yard and my dogs won't be a freakin' issue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was going to retaliate, but then I started drinking a Summer Shandy and decided I'd just rather sit on my porch and wait for either the Dog Warden or the apocalypse/giant earthquake/end of times/rapture crap that's supposed to happen in, oh, 7 minutes or so. We'll see who or what I get a visit from first!

Happy End Of Times everyone!

Friday, May 20, 2011

The End Cometh ...

So, I'm sure by now everyone knows the big rumor that the rapture is coming ... supposedly at 6pm tomorrow.

This is all according to some dude named Harold Camping. He apparently predicted the rapture before and told everybody it was happening in 1994. When it didn't happen, he said that he made a minor mathematical error. Um, yeah ok. So now he says it's tomorrow, which is totally believable.

I've heard many different versions on what's going to occur, but basically all the believers are going to go to heaven tomorrow at 6pm and then all of us sinners are either going to experience 150 days of Hell on earth, or 513 days of Hell on earth, or there's just going to be a huge earthquake/volcano and we'll all die.

I'm scared. Ok, not really, but I'll pretend.

I'm fairly certain that I won't be taken in the rapture. So, my plan, if we all don't suddenly die in an earthly explosion, is this: I will be with my BFF who has major firepower and also lives in a relatively secluded house. We will create an apocalypse plan which will consist of looting the crap out of the entire city and gunning down anyone in our way. Oh yes, friends ... It will be bloody mayhem, because the only rule about the apocalypse is there are no rules. It's every woman for herself. And, just like Bon Jovi, we plan to go down in a blaze of glory.

Good luck tomorrow, my friends. Those of us left are gonna need it.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Redneck Bingo Thursday!


My BFF and I have a thing on Thursday nights now. We call it Rutter Bingo, but for all y'all who don't know what "rutter" is, we'll just call it Redneck Bingo.

Basically, Redneck Bingo is awesome. You buy the cards at local area gas stations/liquor stores, sit at home, tune in to the local cable channel, and anxiously watch an old man read the numbers. Tonight they played 7 games for a possible win of $200 each and then they played 2 coveralls for $1500 and $1000 each. The entire experience is exciting and stressful. I almost won like 3 different times. Almost.

Next week, Redneck Bingo is going to be at least 1000 times more awesome than usual because ... Me and the BFF have Friday off, which means we can do Redneck Bingo + 4 Loco ... And you know what that means: FREAKIN' AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursdays. My new favorite day of the week.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

G. C.


George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f&*king hatreds." That's exactly how I feel about emptying the dishwasher ... and slow drivers, dumb people, Fox News, meetings, weeds, and HMO's to name a few.

Happy freakin' Tuesday!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 16, 2011

It's Monday ....

And I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, TIRED.

I also have a raging bad headache. So, I'm done for the night.

See you tomorrow, my friends. Remember, tomorrow is Tuesday and that means we're one day closer to Friday!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Listen to your friends.

This morning, I was in the mood for a hot, non-coffee drink from Starbucks. I decided to try a Green Tea Latte, even though Tiffany warned me against it. I like Green Tea and I like lattes so what the hell! I'm gonna like this, I thought.

So, I ordered one.


I took a sip. Almost puked. It was probably the barfiest drink I have ever tasted in my life. It basically tasted like somebody dug up a clump of dirt and grass, blended it, and mixed it with milk.

It was beyond wrong.

I made Mason try it. He gagged. Then I dumped it in the parking lot.


Total waste of $3.60. I should've listened to Tiffany in the first place.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Ohhhh my Goddddddd!

There was a double rainbow in Chauncelot this evening!!!!!!!!!


It was sooooooo beautiful.

It also totally reminded me of Double Rainbow Guy. One of my favorite YouTube clips. Enjoy:

Friday, May 13, 2011

Creepin'


I'm a stage 5 stalker when it comes to Chauncelot. I spot an ambulance, police car, SWAT Team, or the big-breasted and usually braless fat lady that runs down the street, and I'm freakin' running outside or, at the very least, to the nearest window to get a glimpse of what's going on.

The ambulance sighting today, though, was totally uneventful. I'm not even sure what happened. The EMT's came, went into a house, and left without anybody on a stretcher ... (Yawn).

My window-creeping wasn't in vain, however. Like me, most of the neighborhood came out to watch, so I got to see some awesome mullets, holey wife-beaters, and even a King Cobra or two!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Double Dream Hands!!



This, my friends, is why I love the Internet.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sweet Bumper


The guy driving in front of me today had a wooden bumper.

Why, you ask?

Probably because it's AWWWWESOME!

Duh.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Doggy Depression


Hilde got in major trouble tonight for eating my Chocolate Mint plant . Now she is depressed ... THANK GOD ALMIGHTY!!

As long as she's depressed I won't have to deal with her constant licking, tail-chasing, barking, pacing, and whining. Maybe she will be sad forever! I can only hope ...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day


I love to garden because it reminds me of my Mom.

(Love you, Mom. Hope you had a good day! Sorry your card is going to be late ...)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Turkey Festival

This evening I attended my first Turkey Festival in a neighboring county. I have absolutely no idea why it's called the Turkey Festival as I didn't see any turkeys around. Although, one of the vendors was selling turkey legs ... Anyway, it was AWESOME. I ate a gyro, a funnel cake, a taco, another funnel cake, fried vegetables and a bucket of fries. I also consumed Summer Shandys, Blue Moons, and sampled a fruit punch flavored 4 Loco.

Wow.

I have no pictures to share. Sadly, amidst all of our fun, I totally forgot to take any. (insert giganto sad face)

Ok, well, I am so freakin' tired right now I just can't even bear to type anything else. So, I shall end this post. G'night my friends. And remember - support your local Turkey Festival. We don't know why they exist, but God bless the turkeys that made these festivals possible. Merica!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Retrieving ...


Netflix Instant Play + Crappy Internet Service = Very frustrated Sons of Anarchy viewer!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Plant Abuser


My plants are all wilting, because they are desperately thirsty. And, yet, I refuse to water them. Well, I'm not refusing exactly ... I'm just too lazy to water them. I sit on the couch, or walk past them, and think "Wow, they're dried out!" but I simply cannot get myself to go to the sink, fill up the watering can, and nourish them back to life.

Oh, I'll water them eventually. I always do ... It just won't be for awhile. It's like I secretly enjoy torturing my plants and then bringing them back to life when they've almost succumbed to a slow, thirsty death.

I'm a sick, twisted plant abuser.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Please Do Not Disturb.

No, seriously. Do not call, text, email me, or come to my house. If you live at my house .... well, do not talk to me.

I'm obsessively watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix instant play and have no time for real life.

Thank you,

Me.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I swear I'm not!!!!


So, I saw this bumper sticker today and had to take a picture. Unfortunately, my camera phone sucks and thus the picture sucks, but don't worry .... I'll describe it for you!

The sticker says: "I like guys who can pitch a tent." Now, look on the bottom right side of the bumper sticker. See that small white strip that runs across? Well, if you were lucky enough to see it in person, you would know that the owner of the bumper sticker taped that strip on there and hand wrote: "I'M NOT GAY!"

Uhhhhhhhh ...

If you feel the need to qualify the bumper stickers you put on your car, you probably should just not put them up at all!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Yoga Poses

So, I went to my yoga class today and it was really wonderful. I left feeling all relaxed and peaceful!

The hardest part of the class is learning how to do the poses correctly. Yoga looks so easy to me, but when you actually try it, it's really quite difficult. We did several on-the-floor poses today and the instructor was trying to get the class to position themselves correctly and she kept saying, "Pull your pubes to your navel!" "PUBES TO YOUR NAVEL!" (I'm not exaggerating, Ok. She was really saying that.)

It took me awhile, but I finally realized she was talking about the pubic bone and not, well, you know 'the pubes.' I coulda saved myself a lot of pain (and hair) if I had figured that out at the beginning!