I have a theory: Sunglasses are addicting. And, I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to sunglasses. Well, my eyes are addicted to them anyway.
I finally came to this conclusion today when I walked outside and was squinting terribly because the light was so bright. The thing is, though, it was cloudy. Really cloudy.
Wassup wit dat?
I've been noticing this eye problem over the past month ... the sun rarely shines around here anymore and yet, if I don't have sunglasses with me at all times, I feel like I can hardly see because the light seems so bright. So, my theory is that wearing dark lenses, perhaps excessively, leads to your eyes becoming accustomed to lower lights and then they are no longer able to tolerate "normal" light levels.
Well, ain't that a mother.
I have no evidence backing this theory of mine, other than my personal experience, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. I'm hoping to build a sunglass treatment program and capitalize on this! Maybe I can also involve the pharmaceutical companies and develop meds for this issue and then I'll really make bank!!
Anyway, I suppose I should break my eye's addiction and start to wean myself off of sunglasses, but you know what? I just look way too sexy in sunglasses to do that. Holla!
The newest addition to the list of Chauncelot characters: Chainsaw Man. (Read about the other characters here, here, here, and here.)
I have seen Chainsaw Man on multiple occasions in Chauncelot. He seems to prefer back alleys, but I have also seen him walking on a main Chauncelot street - always with a chainsaw in hand.
Ok, I'm just gonna say it: He's a dead body sawer. People pay him to cut up the people they kill. Easier to dispose of that way. Easier to do it with a chainsaw too versus a knife. Easier to pay someone to do it for you.
Yuppp. That's gotta be it.
I mean why else would you carry a chainsaw around?
Tonight, my bud and I went to see Adult Fairy Tales which was comprised of 4 short movies. There were supposed to be 5 shorts, but they totally jipped us out of the 5th and without explanation! How freakin' dare they.
Anyway, allow me to summarize the shorts for you:
West Of The Moon - Basically, it's about a dude's dream. It reminded my bud of the movie Big Fish. I liked it.
Brookton Hollow - Um. Well. I think this dude is in love with a cow. The cow also seems to be a naked boy who only comes out at night, wearing nothing but a cowbell. The film ends with the cow turning into the naked boy and the naked boy and the dude run into the forest. (Sorry, I totally spoiled the movie for you.) The thing I liked best about this movie, though, were the credits that rolled at the end .... Here was the cast:
With a cast like that you know you're watching an awesome movie!!!
Clear Blue - I liked this movie the best. Basically, a 16 year old lifeguard falls in love with this 70 year old woman who swims in the pool everyday and can stay underwater forEVER. She turns out to be some kind of fish-thing who turns into a 16 year old girl underwater. It ends with the boy dying and the old lady jumping into the ocean. Sweet film.
Bird - I have no freakin' clue what this was about. A drunk dude has this bird that follows him around and then he tries to get it to fly. I don't know. Someone smarter than me needs to watch it and tell me what it means.
So far, I haven't seen anything that compares to the disturbing awesomeness that was Dogtooth at last year's film fest. But, with a week left, I'm determined to find it!
calls for more rain. MORE RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This means the river is going to keep flooding, which means I have to keep driving the (way outta the way) flood route to go anywhere, which means that my life will be horrible for the next several days, which means that I will spend tons on gas, which all really means that I hate the rain's effin' guts!
So, Mason has a disease that's progressed into it's late stages ... it's called foot in the mouth disease. He constantly says things that he shouldn't. And then, he comes home and tells me what he said and I stare at him like "WTF is wrong with you?"
He needs meds for this.
Anyway, the background to what happened today is that this woman he works with had lap band weight loss surgery several months ago. So, ocassionally I ask him, "Has so-and-so lost any weight?" And, he always says, "Errrr, I don't know." Now, I haven't asked him this question in probably two months, OK.
So, when I get home from work today he says, "Ahhh, I think I said something really stupid today." I'm like, "Yeah, what's new. I'm sure you did." Then, he tells me that, for some bizarre and totally unknown reason, he goes up to the lap band woman and says:
"Danielle keeps asking me if you've lost weight and I can't tell. Have you?"
WTH Mason! Why would you ever in a million years say that to someone?
So, Jesus left me more stuff today - a cross and a pamphlet. The cross was totally awesome, but the pamphlet turned out to be Jehovah Witness literature ...
I have JW PTSD. Remember how they used to stalk me?
Then, later in the afternoon, I somehow ripped a major hole in my pants.
Yeah, seriously. It couldn't have been like a little hole, it had to be a massive ass crater. WTF.
I don't know exactly how or where the hole happened, but I'm almost positive a 3 year old demon child is the one who caused it. I noticed the huge tear AFTER I saw him. I should have known something bad was going to happen, because as soon as I saw him he ran up and hugged me and then told me he was actually a monster robot and began clawing me and my pants. So, I blame him. The demon child-monster robot-pants clawing 3 year old did this. I just know it.
For the past week or so my left ear has been giving me trouble. It started off feeling like I had a ton of water in my ear that wouldn't drain and then it turned into a dull ache and now this afternoon has completely plugged itself and I can no longer hear ... This evening, my right ear decided to do the same thing.
I literally can hardly hear right now.
Aside from the annoyance of people having to yell at me if they want me to hear them, my sudden onset of hearing loss due to massively plugged (or perhaps infected) ears has been quite peaceful. I have spent the evening in my garden in complete silence ... it's been lovely.
But, as nice as it has been not to hear Chauncelot chaos, I'm getting irritated because I just realized that it's going to be quite difficult for me to watch and hear the TV later on. And, we all know how very important the TV and my DVR'd shows are to me. So, I'm about to heat up some olive oil and pour it down my ears.
The hippies tell me this is a good remedy for ear problems.
Yup. Jesus left me another gift and a note today. (Click here first and then here if you have no idea what I'm talking about.) Here's what the latest note said:
Remember that scene in Fight Club when Ed Norton has his 'WTF' moment and realizes he and Brad Pitt are one and the same?
It's sort of like Me and chocolate. There's a reason you feel better after you eat it. (Duh).
Enjoy the fish. Missed you Sunday.
When you're close with Jesus like I am, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to spread the Word and all that. So, I'm thinking about possibly becoming a Sunday school teacher and teaching the kids what I have learned from Jesus. These are just some sample lesson plans of mine:
Topic 1: WTF kids! Let's talk like Jesus.
Possible Activities: (Large group) Discuss curse words and all the acronyms for curse words. (Small group) Role play talking like Jesus by using the phrase WTF in various sentences.
Topic 2: Fight Like Jesus.
Possible Activities: (Large group) Watch Fight Club and talk about the themes of Jesus throughout the movie. (Another large group activity) Eat chocolate and then just sit there until the parents are ready to pick them up.
Topic 3: This Blows.
Possible Activities: (Large group) Talk about how Jesus will give you chocolate and free gifts if you never come to church or Sunday school again. (Another large group activity) Teacher brings chocolate and free gifts to class to keep students entertained while she sleeps in a corner and wonders why she ever decided to become a Sunday school teacher.
I'm expecting awesomeness from this new series. From what I've read, it contains everything I love (or that I think is creepy cool): crime, Jesus, evil, The Papacy, Jeremy Irons, murder and mayhem. And, it better live up to my expectations!