Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dear Son,


So, the other kid is currently at bootcamp in Parris Island, South Carolina. He's been there since the end of November and will be graduating at the end of February. I write him a letter every day. I force ask Mason to write him once a week. And, each week we pretty much have the same conversation about writing a letter ...

Me: Write a letter tonight, OK?

Mason: About what? Nothin' new happened this week.

Me: Who cares!!! Just write a freakin' letter.

I've never read Mason's letters before, but I think I'm gonna have to start because they're ... ummm ... interesting. Here's the one I found on the kitchen table tonight:

Hey Mike,

I have really nothing to tell you that’s new so I’m doing my best. I go to work everyday, stuff happens, I come home, watch some t.v. and pass out. I’m boring as hell. I occasionally poop in there sometimes, and that’s the highlight. I’m sorry I have nothing much to say.

Hilde [our dog] is getting way worse. She just chases her tall ALL FRICKING DAY! Half the time she brains herself and she doesn’t even stop. I don’t even notice anymore. I’m used to her being so messed up I guess. What a messed up life, chase your tail, lick your butt, drink a shit ton of water, and pass out. My life isn’t that messed up, I don’t lick my butt at least.

Well son, I can’t wait to see you and I love you, Dad.


********
 
I laughed for about a half an hour after I read this.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Weight ... Wait?

Hmmmmm ... I only lost 1 pound this week for the weight loss competition I'm in.

Bummer.

It's still a loss, which is good, but I was really hoping to lose between 1.5 and 2 pounds each week. Crappers. I know my major barrier to losing weight is the WEEKENDS. I do well all week and then when the weekend comes, it's like food Hell breaks loose.

I swear that my fridge was talking to me on Saturday. It kept staring at me and saying "Danielleeeeeee ... Open me up. There's cheese cubes in here." Then once I ate some cheese cubes, Mason's Nut Goody bar in the bottom shelf grew legs and walked right into my mouth. I swear it did. It was wonderful awful.

Somehow I need to learn to get through the weekends without going food-binge-crazy. I have no idea how I'm going to do this yet .... Today's Monday, though, so I only have a few days to come up with a plan before Friday hits. If I really can't come up with anything, I think I'll just try sewing my mouth shut for the weekend ... that should pretty much take care of my ability to binge out too much :)

I'll keep ya posted.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Road Ragers

Apparently I'm a bad driver.

I never thought I was until this past week. On Monday, I was driving behind this car when suddenly the guy pulls to the side of the road, rolls down his window, flips me off and screams something at me as I drive past. Okkkaaayyyy. I thought maybe the guy was just having a bad day or something. I didn't think anything of it, until Wednesday when basically the same thing happened, except instead of just flipping me off this guy is also frantically waving his hands for me to pass him. Well, it was more like a "GET THE HELL IN FRONT OF ME THEN" kind of waving.

Um. Is this a coincidence?

At the time I decided it was. Definitely a coincidence. Just two different people having a bad day and decided to take it out on me.

But, then ...

It happened again today. THE THIRD TIME IN A WEEK! I made some other driver angry. Again, I was following them and they pull to the side and scream, swear, and flip me off.

WHAT. THE. BAJESUS.

So, then at dinner tonight I ask both Mason and the kid if I drive too closely behind people. And, without missing a nanosecond they both say "YESSSSSS!"

OMG.

I'm an unconscious tail-gater. I seriously don't mean to do that. Apparently, I don't even realize I am doing it!! But, I must be really bad about it for three people in one week's time period to become so incensed with me they had to pull off the road.

To tell you the truth, I'm a little scared to drive now. If I don't even realize the extent of my tail-gating, what other horrible driving things might I be doing????? Yikers.

Anyway, I've officially joined the Bad Driver Club. Yay me. Just remember me the next time someone is tail gating you, 'cause when you flip them off and they have this look of utter confusion like, "What I'd do? Why you picking on me?" ... maybe, just maybe, they have an unconscious tail-gating problem ...

Forgive them and drive on.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Status Update

So, it's week 2 of the Athens Takes It Off competition ... or wait. Is it week 2 or week 3? I have no freakin' clue. I think it's the end of week 2 and beginning of week 3. Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, I lost 1.6 pounds this past week for a total of 4.2 pounds so far.

YAY!!!!!

I've been working out 6 days a week and tracking my calorie intake with My Fitness Pal iPhone app. I hate tracking calories, because it feels a bit obsessive to me, but I find it necessary. If I'm not completely aware of what I'm eating and how many calories it is, I just end up eating and eating and eating. And then eating more. And more.

You get the idea.

This whole thing is a royal pain in my arse, though. I wish I was just naturally thin and didn't have to worry about this crap. I don't know if I believe in reincarnation or not, but if it really does happen I just hope that in my next life I'm born with a super high metabolism (and lots of money).

Monday, January 17, 2011

Monday, but my Sunday

Sorry for not posting last night. Sadly, the power went out at my house and instead of sitting in the cold and dark we decided to go see a movie. I didn't get back until late and, at that point, all I could think about was MY BED!!!

The movie we saw last night was Black Swan. Even though I found it predictable, I really liked it. Darren Aronofsky is one of my favorite directors ... He's directed movies like The Wrestler, Requiem for a Dream, and The Fountain. I find that watching his movies are liking watching real life situations, the actors don't seem to be acting. He's amazing. Anyway, I loved Natalie Portman in this movie, but I usually love her ... I also loved the ballet scenes, which is odd because I hate ballet. The movie actually made me want to go see a production of Swan Lake. Totally weird, I know. The worst part of the movie was all the popcorn and mini snickers bars I ate. Major failure on the diet front. (Oops.) Overall, though, I found Black Swan to be a good movie and was very happy I went to see it!

Today, I've been hanging out doing a whole lotta nothing!! Oh - I did bake some yummy vegan doughnuts thanks to Angela's recipe over at Oh She Glows ....


Wait ... those don't look like doughnuts to you? Yeah, well, I kinda failed in my ability to shape them like doughnuts so I gave up and made them into cupcakes instead. They were still super delish!

Tonight, my plans also include a whole lotta nothing as well as trying to combat my "back to work tomorrow" blues. Ugh!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Zodiac Killers

So, as I was spinning away at spin class this morning, my friend tells me that there's been a change to the Zodiac signs and that I may not be what I've always thought I've been!!!!!

Whaaaaa????????

My heart can barely take spin class let alone news that this Pisces may not really be a Pisces!!!!!!

Well, I've been researching the new Zodiac stuff all night and it looks like the Minnesotans went and effed up my entire identity. Basically, the Minnesota Planetarium Society says that because of gravitational shifts, the alignment of the stars is off by about a month with the old Zodiac model. And, I guess there also used to be a 13th constellation, but the ancient Babylonians tossed it out for some reason and went with only 12. It looks like, though, the 13th one is back in the game. So, not only did our signs shift, but now there's an additional one!

The new Zodiac looks like this:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17. (THE NEW ONE!)
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

My birthday is March 11th ... Not only am I still a Pisces, but apparently I'm an Aquarius as well!

I feel so ...


TORN!

If the new Zodiac has your panties in a bunch, don't fret. Apparently, it's very controversial and many astrologers are poo-pooing the whole thing. This should be quite a relief to all the people who are wondering what to do with their Scorpio tattoo now that they're really a Libra!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Ms. Membrane

So, I thought I'd update you on my auto-correct nightmare of last week. Basically, the teach emailed me back with a two-word reply: "It's fine."

Ummmm ...

Looks like someone isn't very happy with me!

Oh well. Miss Crabby Pants can hate me if she wants. I've forgiven myself for my epic mistake and that's all that matters, right? I will no longer wallow in auto-correct misery!!!!!!!!!!!! And, it's helpful to know I'm not alone in my auto-catastrophe ... Check out Damn You Auto Correct (really funny!).

Monday, January 10, 2011

Take It Off!

So, I'm very happy to report that my first week in the weight loss competition has gone well. I've lost 2.6 pounds.

Yeah, baby!!!!!!!!!!

And, that's despite my 2,000+ calorie binge on pizza and beer Saturday night.

(Oops!)

I've been doing really well. The first two days were rough, though. Really rough. I thought my stomach was eating my entire body because I was sooooo hungry. But, I'm good now. I guess my body just had to adjust to eating 1400 calories per day versus the 10,000 it was used to.

I've also been doing excellent at working out. I got some free passes to a local gym and one of my friends convinced me to do a spin class with her. GREAT WORKOUT. (Although, my butt was severely bruised from sitting on that tiny and hard bike seat for 60 minutes at a time.) Today, I did a step aerobics class ... Ummm ... fairly certain I was almost at a point of death about 30 minutes into it. However, I suffered persevered through it and that too was a great, albeit killer, workout!

I've found that, for me, the best time to exercise is early in the morning. If I can get my workout for the day in by 7:30am, I'm golden. If I wait to do it until after work, I almost always talk myself out of it!

Anyway ... it's all good in the hood. Let's hope my second week is just as successful!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Thanks anyway.


I guess when I wrote "get salt for the sidewalks" on the grocery list I should have been more specific, because now I have gigantic salt pellets spread all over my sidewalk and driveway ...


Um, Mason ... I meant the little salty things that people use for their walkways. Not the gigantic stuff meant for water softeners.

Thanks for trying, though.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Devil Spawn.

I always knew there was a reason I hated cats ...

Kitlers

And, even the ones that don't look like him, look like him.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

How Auto-Correct Ruined My Life

Errrrrrrr ...

I totally screwed up today and I'm really freakin' embarrassed.

If any of you have an iPhone then you know that it often auto-corrects the words you're typing. Basically, the iPhone thinks it can read your freakin' mind and will suggest a word and unless you stop it, it will change to the auto-correct word. This feature is sometimes useful for me, sometimes annoying, but today it iFailed me BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the sitch: I was emailing the kid's English teacher on my iPhone. I finished typing, pressed send, and that's when .... I SAW IT. I saw the freakin' auto-correct. I was horrified. No, really. I was HORROR-fied.

My iPhone auto-corrected his teacher's last name and I didn't catch it until it was too late.

It auto-corrected her name to MEMBRANE.

Can you effin' believe that?????

MEMBRANE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just sent an email to his teacher that starts out with "Hi Ms. Membrane." Her name isn't even remotely close to the word membrane ... it doesn't even start with an "m"!

(&$%#!)

After I saw what I had done, I literally fell down on the living room floor and just laid there ... completely and utterly mortified.

I ended up sending her another email saying, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. My phone auto-corrected your last name and I didn't catch it until it was too late. Please accept my apology for the previous email!!"

Jesus H, man.

I'm hoping she doesn't get offended and understands what happened. But, with my luck, she's probably uptight and psycho and will punish the kid because his step-mom called her Ms. Membrane.

(&$%#!)

I officially hate auto-correct!!!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Phat Girls Club


Me and some of my friends are participating in the Athens Takes It Off competition. It's a 10 week long competition to see which team can lose the most weight! First place winners get $1000 and a free gym membership.

WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Obviously, my team, the Phat Girls Club, is taking first.

But, in order to do so we're gonna need to lose about 13% of our body weight, which is how much last year's winners lost. And, for me, that's a whole lotta poundage.

EEK!

I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!

So, it's goodbye to my beloved mini peanut butter cups and beer (third shelf in my fridge) and HELLO to salad and all that healthy stuff ...

(I wonder if there's a red wine diet??? Hmmmmmmm.)

It's Day 1 ... Wish me luck!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Just Dance!


When I woke up this morning, I had every intention of laying on my couch and watching TV the entire day. My plan was going well until I decided to watch the Michael Jackson This Is It DVD. It gave me the bug ...

THE DANCING BUG!

I freakin' love Michael Jackson, OK. The man was a dancing genius. And, even at the end of his life he was still unbelievably AWESOME!!!

Sooooooo, after watching and re-watching certain parts of This Is It, I knew what had to be done ...

I had to purchase Michael Jackson The Experience for my Wii. I had to DANCE!!!!!!! I had to learn every Michael Jackson move to perfection ...

I've been crazy dancing for about 2 1/2 hours now!

MJ's The Experience is fun for hardcore MJ lovers. It has most of his greatest hits (Thriller, Beat It, Billie Jean, Smooth Criminal, Dirty Diana, etc) and is definitely true to MJ's dancing. My biggest complaint with the game is that it doesn't teach you the dances ahead of time. For whatever odd reason, they designed the game so you have to unlock the training videos. Makes absolutely no sense! So, basically you have to do the dances without knowing WTH you're doing. And, even the easy dances are super hard (for me anyway). My second biggest complaint is that the training videos, at least the two I've unlocked, are not helpful at all. They go too fast and don't teach you every single move you'll be doing in the video. Sucky.

HOWEVER, I still really like it and you'll get a great workout doing it. You can also do multiplayer mode, so I just need to find someone to dance with me .... Hmmmmmmmmmmm .....

Oh - Did I mention the absolute best part of the game????

It comes with your very own sequin glove, baby! And, you betta believe I'm wearing it while I dance!!!

Alright, I gotta get back to mastering the crotch grab and moon walk. 'Night everyone!