Saturday, July 23, 2011

I always wondered about those dumplings!


I can't believe the local Chinese buffet is so blatant about what they're serving! I prefer ignorance about what's really in my food ... Geez.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Da Nu Thang



I have 4 things to say about this video:

1. HOLY JESUS!

2. WTF is up with that horrifying looking woman?

3. Christians should not rap. Ever. Never. No. Go away.

4. I think I'll stick to the devil's music ...

Monday, July 11, 2011

How Casey Anthony Ruined Facebook (for me)

Thanks to Casey Anthony, I can barely tolerate going on Facebook anymore. I thought the postings about "WTF is wrong with the justice system," "Those jurors are idiots," or the "If you wanna murder your kid and get away with it, move to Florida" posts would be over within 48 hours of the not guilty verdict. Holy shit, I was wrong!

They're just never-freakin'-ending.

I had no idea so many people on Facebook had their hearts wrapped up in this trial. People were so "shocked" with the verdict ... But why? Did anyone really pay attention to the trial? Did anyone see the prosecution's lack of evidence? Does anyone out there remember that it's not the defense's job to prove innocence, but the prosecution's burden to prove guilt?

Seriously, people.

Just because Casey Anthony had already been tried and convicted by the media, doesn't mean the same result will occur in a courtroom. Thankfully, the jurors reached their verdict based off of what was presented in the courtroom, rather than on Nancy Grace. And, if you ever have to face a jury of your peers, I'll bet you'll hope for the same thing.

Regardless of whether Casey Anthony was acquitted of murder in the eyes of the law, she was guilty 3 years ago in the eyes of the public. She will never lead a normal life. She will probably never lead a good life. She'll be doing porn in a couple of years. After that, she'll end up on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Casey Anthony will be living in prison long after she's been released.

So, Facebook friends - Your posts about Casey Anthony irritated me so much that, instead of my usual checking of Facebook 50 times a day, I didn't go on at all yesterday and totally didn't know my BFF's son broke his damn leg .... Casey Anthony is ruining my means of communication with close friends and family and I simply can't take anymore of this!

Friday, July 8, 2011

No you didn't!

Today was a day filled with many minor annoyances, but a huge mother-effin' annoyance happened during my lunch hour. I was driving on the highway back to work when suddenly I see a cop pull up behind me with his lights flashing. I look down at my speed and see that I have my cruise set at barely over 55 miles per hour, so I start thinking that something must be wrong with my car ...

Well, the Super Trooper comes up to my window and says "You late for something, ma'am?"

Me: Um, no. Why?

Super Trooper: You were going pretty fast?

Me: *shocked* I was??? How fast was I going? *thinking perhaps my speedometer is broken*

Super Trooper: How fast do you think you were going?

Me:  Couldn't have been more than 58 ...

Super Trooper: You were going 57.

Me: *super freakin' shocked and annoyed now* REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Super Trooper: You do know that the speed limit is only 55 here?

Me: *trying to contain frustration* Yes, I do.

So then, the Super Trooper goes back to his car to run my plates and probably play a game of Angry Birds ... Meanwhile, I am fuming. I seriously just got pulled over for going 2 mother-freakin' miles over the speed limit! COME ON!

The Super Trooper comes back ... "Ma'am I'm giving you a Traffic Safety Warning this time. Please slow down in the future."

Me: *trying not to rolls eyes* Yeah, thanks.

It took me 8 years to figure out why everyone around here drives 5 miles under the speed limit. Now I understand.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Greek Mold-urt.


Dear Athenos Greek Yogurt,

As I opened your strained nonfat honey yogurt this afternoon, which is usually filled with deliciousness, I was extremely horrified to find a large spot of blue/green mold growing on it. The expiration date wasn't even until July 25.

WTF.

I'm terribly disappointed, because I was extremely hungry and that was the only afternoon snack I had brought with me to work today. Basically, my body went in to starvation mode and I was so weak and lightheaded that I was unable to perform even the most basic tasks of my job.

You owe me $1 for the yogurt.

I hope this never happens again.

Thank you,
Danielle

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

5ifth of July

Well hello there.

I've been gone awhile haven't I?

I can tell you that nothing exciting has happened in my life in the one week and a day that I've been absent from blogger. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I have been having 'staredowns' with Lady Dog-Whipped almost daily. After she threatened me, I didn't see her for a looooonnnngggg time. But, this past week she's been back to her usual business of letting her dog walk her through my yard. I really want to freak out on her, but I think that's what she wants. I'm fairly positive by the way she acts towards me that she's trying to annoy me as much as humanly possible. I can't decide what to do. So, I just stare at her. Oh - I did talk to her yesterday when I commented on how her outfit. She was all sexxed up in a white cowboy hat with silver sequin stuff on on the rim, a white tank top, and white shorty shorts. I'm guessing Lady Dog-Whipped is late 40's and most likely single. I think she uses the dog walking as a technique to land her a hot Chauncelot man. So, in my nicest voice possible I told her, "I just love your outfit." *rolling my eyes* She didn't respond.

I wish Albert was around. I would so much rather be tortured by him than her!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Trollin' at Fairy Fest

My life is complete. This past weekend I was a troll for about 4 hours. I can die happy now!

We've never looked hotter than as trolls.
Each year, in a neighboring town, a Fairy Fest occurs. Even though I participated this year, I'm still not exactly sure what it is. All I know is that I was a troll, there were a bunch of people dressed up as fairies, and there was a fairy queen, who you could have tea with. The kids got a treasure map and could look for loot at various points. You could also get henna done, your face-painted, and even have your picture taken with this creepy Jack Sparrow wanna-be.
Still rockin' our sexiness.
My job as a troll entailed nothing more than standing by a bridge and scaring little kids. Yesssss! The BFF rocked it. She's got this English, witchy voice that she uses when telling kids she will eat them. There were at least 20 kids that were truly scared ... a handful of them cried. Hells yes!!
The Fairy Dogmother

This is NOT the Jack Sparrow wanna-be.
All in all, I enjoyed being a troll. I didn't think I would, but once I put on my troll costume, I realized I looked good. Really good ... I would totally be a troll again.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Rumor Mill

This afternoon, I learned that there is a rumor churning about me ... Basically, the rumor is that I'm pregnant. Yeah ... pregnant.

Um. WTF?

If the pregnancy rumor wasn't bad enough, the other part of it is that I got married "unexpectedly" because I'm pregnant.

Ahhhhh. Seriously, WTF?

Ok, first, I'm not pregnant. There is no baby in this belly. Second, I would never have gotten married for the sole reason of being pregnant. That's not how my brain works. I make decisions based off of how something would benefit me. After years of calculation, I finally determined marriage would indeed be beneficial to me: future schooling is free, health insurance purposes, I wanted half of Mason's retirement, I got $10 off my car insurance each month ... You see? Marriage = financially good things. Oh yeah, and I love Mason too ... So it all worked out.

Anyway, to the rumor starters, please start a new rumor about me that does not involve babies. The pregnancy thing sends a cold shiver up my spine. And, I have a major fear of pooping while giving birth so the likelihood of me giving birth is very slim.  I would be happy with any rumors involving me as a serial killer, gambling addict, transvestite, or a plus size model. Thanks!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Happy Summer Solstice!

Wicked thunderstorm brewing on the longest day of the year

 "Whatever is dreamed on this night, will come to pass." - William Shakespeare

Monday, June 20, 2011

Sighting


My Gram and Aunt have been in town visiting and, yesterday, as we were shopping, they spotted this oddly shaped tree trunk. It is eerily reminscent of someone I know!!!!! Um, that'd be Jesus! It's the mother-freakin' Jesus Tree. There was some debate about whether this tree was actually Jesus, a person praying, the Virgin Mary or perhaps an angel. But, I've concluded it is most definitely Jesus.

And, here's why. In my extensive Internet research on Jesus images, I've found that Jesus loves to raise his arms. See? This historical photo below shows an arms-raised-Jesus looking at an angel. Notice the head tilt backwards, which also correlates with the head tilt of the Jesus Tree.


Oh, here we go again with the arms raised, head tilt. Google Jesus. You will find hundreds, perhaps thousands of these historically accurate pictures.


Ok, now we have some close-ups of Jesus. These are important because they show Jesus with long, wavy hair. You'll notice that the shape of the tree above is depicting someone with long hair ... (hmmmmmmmm, Jesus perhaps???)


OMG! Scary picture of Jesus! But, even the freaky Jesus' have long, wavy hair. Again, google Jesus. He is never pictured with a buzz cut.

After my exhaustive research into Jesus, I think it is safe to say that, at the very least, the man loved to raise his arms, look at the sky and he definitely had long hair with a relaxed perm. That tree is Jesus and you freakin' know it.

(You can visit the Jesus Tree by going to Parkersburg, West Virginia. Parking at JoAnn Fabrics gives you an ideal viewing point. Enjoy.)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Wolf Pack


Well, we were not winners at Redneck Bingo this week - the BFF won $200 last week!!! - but we did have fun! Sadly, the old man bingo caller, with the liver spotted fingers, did not call out the right numbers this week. Ugh.

Oh well. Redneck Bingo always makes a bad day into a good one ... regardless of whether you win.

We march on, people. We march on.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Obviously,


I did not like the banana chips!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Paid in Full & Goodbyes


I mowed the pastor's lawn. HELL. It was pure hell. That's to be expected, though, considering it was maybe the fourth time it's been mowed since the end of April when, ya know, grass started growing and needed to be cut weekly. But, anyway. It's done. I paid the dues for my wedding!

When I was taking a break from mowing, Albert came stomping down the alleyway. Yeah, Albert! Remember him? He's been MIA for awhile.

This was our conversation:

Albert: I RUNNIN' AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... (ineligible screaming) ... Piss me off okay!!!!!!!!!!!! Doncha even think 'bout it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Ok. Bye.

(YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Animal(e) Crackers

When did they start making animal crackers with genitalia? I miss the old androgynous ones ... :(

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Pop versus Soda


I scared myself really, really bad today. I was talking to someone on the phone and said, "I could really use an ice cold soda right now."

No. No, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It's not soda it's POP! What is wrong with me? Why did I say that? I never say that.

I even live in a blue state!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Blue = Pop, Yellow/Green = Soda, Red = Coke)


Basically, I washed my mouth out with soap as soon as I got home and swore that I would never say soda again. I've also decided that I will never live in yellow or greenish state, but could comfortably live in a red one because I like the word Coke.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Digital History

I don't know if you've ever checked out the Library of Congress' website, but it's cool. Super cool. You can look at old newspapers, photographs, maps, and many more cool things that chronicle America's history.

Tonight, I was searching the digital photography section and found this picture:


It's from CHAUNCELOT! That's right, Chauncelot!

I also found two pictures of Mason's relatives.

Eddie Plenty Holes. Mason's great-grandfather.

Horse's Ghost. Mason's great-great grandfather.

Library of Congress = Cool, cool things. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

A Wedding Story

So, the big news of the day is ... I'M MARRIED!

Are you shocked?

You should be. I was. I am. But, it's true. My relationship is now recognized legally. I got married on June 2!

Let me tell you the story. A couple weeks ago, I decided that it was indeed time to get married. Mason was super happy because he's been wanting to do it for years now. The plan was that we would get the marriage license and get married on the same day. We decided it would be Friday, May 27 since we both had the day off from work. So, at 8:30am we were at the Courthouse. As I was standing there paying $50 for the license I looked on the wall and saw this sign that said "Marriage ceremonies by a judge are $50." Um, excuse me? I had to pay $50 for the license and now an extra $50 for a judge to sign this thing. No. No freakin' thank you. Why would I pay to get married??? Someone should be paying me!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, we were now on to Plan B. Although, at the time, I had no idea what Plan B was, although I knew it would not involve me paying more money.

A couple days went by and I suggested to Mason that we should ask our next door neighbor to do it since she's a pastor. I was nervous about asking her, though. Since she's friends with God and all that, I figured she wouldn't be comfortable signing the certificate without a religious-type cermony. Although, I have heard her use the "F" word before as well as seen her wearing Budweiser shirts so I shoulda just chilled out. Anyway, I finally asked her last Thursday. I told her that in exchange for marrying us we would happily mow her lawn (since it is almost never mowed). She was totally cool with it. And, very happy to (finally) have a mowed lawn. She told me to come over after Mason got off work and she'd do it.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As soon as Mason got home, we went over. She brought us into the office in her home, but told us not to sit down because the chairs were covered in cat hair. And, when I say they were COVERED that's putting it lightly. I think she may be a Godly cat-hoarder. But, it's OK 'cause she married us.

Official Wedding Photo
Don't you love her Bon Jovi tee? Or the fact that Mason dressed up and I wore jeans?

Here's one of her cats that attended the ceremony ...

Photo with our wedding guest
It seriously turned out better than I expected. I'm not into white dresses, formal ceremonies, or dancing so a Chauncelot wedding with a Bon Jovi-lovin', cat-hoarding pastor was AWESOME and totally my style! Even if I do have to mow her lawn ... Right after we got married, we hurried off to our reception which consisted of fabulous McDonald's and several games of Redneck Bingo with the BFFs. Again, it was ... AWESOME. Our honeymoon? Oh yes. I went to Indiana with the BFF and Mason went to work. Do I even have to say it???? (AWESOME!)

So, there you have it. I'm a married woman. And, that's my wedding story.

You think there's any chance this will be featured on TLC????

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Wax On/Wax Off


I have fallen prey to yet another dumb app game on my iPhone, Crazy Waxing. Basically ... you wax people. And, I think eventually, if you're really good you get a golden razor. That part I don't get though ... Why would you want to ever shave again after experiencing the joys of waxing?? Makes no sense whatsoever!

So far, I've only waxed this guy's beard, so I'm hoping that more people come to my salon and I can progress to waxing eyebrows, legs, lips, and my all-time favorite, arm pits!!! I probably have to actually buy the game though to wax anything super cool ... And, even for a fun waxing game, I refuse to spend money on it. We'll see!

FYI - Tomorrow's blog will be a must-read blog with big, big news so definitely tune in!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

ROADTRIP

Folks, the roadtrip was great! The BFF and I trekked it to Bloomington, Indiana to visit our long lost bestie, Charlie (not her real name, but I forgot to ask if I could use her real name!). It was a jam-packed day of touring the sights, playing at the park, drinking beer, discussing our traumatic life events, drinking beer, eating, more talking, and then more beer drinking and eating. It was really wonderful and awesome.


Me, Charlie, BFF


Don't we look happy to see each other??!!


Me, BFF

Don't we look happy beer-sampling at the Upland Brewing Co.?

Corned Beef  Cabbage at the Irish Lion

If you could see my face in this picture, I would ask, "Don't I look happy eating Corned Beef and Cabbage at The Irish Lion?"

Dublin Coddle at the Irish Lion!!!

Use your imagination ... Don't I look happy eating The Irish Lion's Dublin Coddle?????

The answer to all of those questions is, "Um, yes, yes we/I friggin' do look happy!"

Aside from a lovely reunification of friends, a highlight of the day was meeting a Life in Chauncelot blog fan!!!! Yes, people. That's right. I said a blog fan! This is huge, because I'm not related to her and I wasn't previously friends with her before yesterday!!!!!! O.M.G. Big day for me.

Here's a picture of us I pretty much forced her to take so I could blog about it:

BLOG FAN and Me


Don't I look freakin' happy? Ummm, yeah!

My eyes do look kinda crazy in this picture, though. Don't worry, I wasn't doing drugs. Sadly, I'm allergic to the entire state of Indiana so I was having a major allergy attack the entire time I was there. By the end of the night, my eyes were practically sealed shut. But, that's OK. All that matters is I have a blog fan/new friend and spent quality time with the besties.

**************

Thanks Charlie for everything. You're beautiful, amazing, and we love you, miss you, and can't wait to see you again!!


Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Hop, Skip, and a 5-Hour Drive!

a

Tomorrow the BFF and I are roadtripping it to see our long-lost bestie friend ... I'm SUPER EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, as you can see, so is my left arm.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Poem. About Lilies.


Lilies, lilies

I love lilies.

They make me silly.

Because they are lilies.

And, I love lilies.

They don't give me the willies

Like creeping charlie does.

I love lilies.

Lilies, lilies.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Recap

I apologize for my absence, but my niece has been visiting and who wants to blog when you have way more important things to do!!!

Since I don't and won't get to see Elli very often (insert a very sad face), I decided that the few days I had with her would be spent doing all the things I find important in life ... I'm sure when she's 16 she'll remember all of this.

The first day she was in town we toured Chauncelot. All (almost) 9 month olds should have the opportunity to tour such a grand place. It makes them appreciate their parents a little more. It also makes them happy they don't live in Ohio. Elli definitely got the point.

The second day, we walked around the grounds of The Ridges, the old insane asylum. We also spent time in the adjoining cemeteries and marveled at all of the oddly numbered graves. We stole a few bricks too so that she would have a souvenir. I think Elli enjoyed spending time with dead people. What baby wouldn't?

The next day, we went to, what I consider to be, a very important event - The Moonshine Festival! The Moonshine Festival is a celebration of, yep you guessed it - Moonshine! Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to do any taste-testing, but we did learn how to illegally manufacture it. I think her Dad may make some, so she'll get her tasting in due time I'm sure.

All in all, our Aunt/niece time was well spent. I mean, doesn't a baby's dream vacation consist of Chauncelot-touring, graveyards, and whiskey? The answer is of-freakin'-course!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Friday, May 27, 2011

Elli


I get to see this beautiful face in person tomorrow! YAY!!!!!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Daubers and Scandals


Redneck Bingo has been taken to a new level ... Thanks to the BFF, we now have bingo daubers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The game tonight was rather scandalous, though. There were several "false alarm" wins because people who play Redneck Bingo are idiots and didn't listen to the old man when he said to "clear your cards for the second coverall." OMG. These dummies have now ruined it for the rest of us, because since there was so much drama this week they are only doing one coverall next week - to avoid confusion.

Um. It's bingo. How confusing can it be? Seriously, people. Get it together. For real.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Dear Son (2),

Tonight, Mason and I had to go score our Bingo tickets 'cause tomorrow's Redneck Bingo night with the BFFs!! While we were out, we decided to grab some take-out for a late dinner. I forgot my phone at home so Mason gave me his to text Sean (AKA "the kid") to see what he wanted ...

When I opened the text messages this is what I found:


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(To see more of Mason's fatherly love click here.)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

On this day in history ...

As an undergrad, I had a professor who would start each class by telling us a weird historical fact about the day. It never had anything to do with the material we were covering, so it was always kinda weird and out of place. What's really strange, though, is that I have always remembered the historical fact he told us about for today's date:

May 24, 1968: Mick Jagger was arrested for drug possession.

I don't even know if it's true! I always think of it, though, and, sadly, it's one of the few pieces of information I have actually retained from my school days.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Caleb and Sarah

First, I'm sorry about not blogging yesterday. My internet was out all evening and I just quit trying to log on after about 9pm :(

Second, I need to tell you what happened to me today. This evening, as I was getting home from work and just getting out of my car, this big creeper conversion van pulls in really fast behind me and totally blocks my driveway. My first thought was, "Crap, it's the freakin' Dog Warden!" But, then, this middle-aged balding man, wearing a light blue polo shirt, jean shorts, and white socks with brown loafers gets out and says, "Ma'am, do you have a moment." And, it was at that moment that I spotted a cross hanging from his rear view mirror. Oh God, I know what this is. People spreading the Word. Grreeaattt. So, begrudgingly, I said, "Ah, yeah, I have a second."

He jumps out, says, "Hang on, please. Just hang on. We're trying to hit this block today," and runs around to the side of the van and I can hear him saying, "Get out! Hurry! She's right there!" At that point, I kinda got a little scared, because I was pretty sure these people were going to kidnap and torture me until I broke down and said I would read the Bible with them. But, instead of a bunch of Christians with Jesus masks and loaded guns, a little boy and girl run up to me:

BOY: "Hi, I'm Caleb and I'm 7. I'm inviting you to come worship with me on Sunday." (Caleb then hands me a flyer ... about Love.)


Now, it's the girl's turn to speak:

GIRL: "Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm 10. I can't wait to see you on Sunday." (Sarah gives me a magnet with a picture of the church I'm supposed to go to.)


Caleb and Sarah proceed to run back to the creeper van. The middle-aged balding man says, "Thanks for being patient," and gets in his van and speeds off. This entire event took less than 30 seconds!

I loved every minute of it. I was thinking I was going to be spending at least 20 minutes trying to come up with every excuse available as to why I don't go to church or read the Bible and these people didn't even care! They just wanted to spread the Word and get the hell out.

I love Chauncelot Christians!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Dog Warden's A'Coming.

Do you all remember Lady Dog-Whipped? Well, lemme tell you something. I officially hate this woman ... and her little dog too!

Today, Lady Dog-Whipped and I had a confrontation. She decided to, once again, walk through my yard with her little ankle-biting rat dog. I was outside gardening and, of course, my dogs were out with me. Well, my dogs try to run up and smell her dog and when they do, she totally flips out, picks up her dog, and starts glaring at me. Then, she starts walking away from me and yells out, "I guess there ain't no damn leash laws in this place!" I start to laugh, but just ignore her. She continues walking and then yells, "Looks like somebody's gonna get the goddamn Dog Warden called on them!" So, I say, very nicely I might add, "Look, if you have something to say to me why don't you turn around and say it to my face." But, she never turns around, instead she just screams, "I SAID, I'M CALLING THE GODDAMN DOG WARDEN!"

Really, lady? Really. Stay the eff out of my yard and my dogs won't be a freakin' issue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was going to retaliate, but then I started drinking a Summer Shandy and decided I'd just rather sit on my porch and wait for either the Dog Warden or the apocalypse/giant earthquake/end of times/rapture crap that's supposed to happen in, oh, 7 minutes or so. We'll see who or what I get a visit from first!

Happy End Of Times everyone!

Friday, May 20, 2011

The End Cometh ...

So, I'm sure by now everyone knows the big rumor that the rapture is coming ... supposedly at 6pm tomorrow.

This is all according to some dude named Harold Camping. He apparently predicted the rapture before and told everybody it was happening in 1994. When it didn't happen, he said that he made a minor mathematical error. Um, yeah ok. So now he says it's tomorrow, which is totally believable.

I've heard many different versions on what's going to occur, but basically all the believers are going to go to heaven tomorrow at 6pm and then all of us sinners are either going to experience 150 days of Hell on earth, or 513 days of Hell on earth, or there's just going to be a huge earthquake/volcano and we'll all die.

I'm scared. Ok, not really, but I'll pretend.

I'm fairly certain that I won't be taken in the rapture. So, my plan, if we all don't suddenly die in an earthly explosion, is this: I will be with my BFF who has major firepower and also lives in a relatively secluded house. We will create an apocalypse plan which will consist of looting the crap out of the entire city and gunning down anyone in our way. Oh yes, friends ... It will be bloody mayhem, because the only rule about the apocalypse is there are no rules. It's every woman for herself. And, just like Bon Jovi, we plan to go down in a blaze of glory.

Good luck tomorrow, my friends. Those of us left are gonna need it.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Redneck Bingo Thursday!


My BFF and I have a thing on Thursday nights now. We call it Rutter Bingo, but for all y'all who don't know what "rutter" is, we'll just call it Redneck Bingo.

Basically, Redneck Bingo is awesome. You buy the cards at local area gas stations/liquor stores, sit at home, tune in to the local cable channel, and anxiously watch an old man read the numbers. Tonight they played 7 games for a possible win of $200 each and then they played 2 coveralls for $1500 and $1000 each. The entire experience is exciting and stressful. I almost won like 3 different times. Almost.

Next week, Redneck Bingo is going to be at least 1000 times more awesome than usual because ... Me and the BFF have Friday off, which means we can do Redneck Bingo + 4 Loco ... And you know what that means: FREAKIN' AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursdays. My new favorite day of the week.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

G. C.


George Carlin once said, "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f&*king hatreds." That's exactly how I feel about emptying the dishwasher ... and slow drivers, dumb people, Fox News, meetings, weeds, and HMO's to name a few.

Happy freakin' Tuesday!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 16, 2011

It's Monday ....

And I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, TIRED.

I also have a raging bad headache. So, I'm done for the night.

See you tomorrow, my friends. Remember, tomorrow is Tuesday and that means we're one day closer to Friday!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Listen to your friends.

This morning, I was in the mood for a hot, non-coffee drink from Starbucks. I decided to try a Green Tea Latte, even though Tiffany warned me against it. I like Green Tea and I like lattes so what the hell! I'm gonna like this, I thought.

So, I ordered one.


I took a sip. Almost puked. It was probably the barfiest drink I have ever tasted in my life. It basically tasted like somebody dug up a clump of dirt and grass, blended it, and mixed it with milk.

It was beyond wrong.

I made Mason try it. He gagged. Then I dumped it in the parking lot.


Total waste of $3.60. I should've listened to Tiffany in the first place.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Ohhhh my Goddddddd!

There was a double rainbow in Chauncelot this evening!!!!!!!!!


It was sooooooo beautiful.

It also totally reminded me of Double Rainbow Guy. One of my favorite YouTube clips. Enjoy:

Friday, May 13, 2011

Creepin'


I'm a stage 5 stalker when it comes to Chauncelot. I spot an ambulance, police car, SWAT Team, or the big-breasted and usually braless fat lady that runs down the street, and I'm freakin' running outside or, at the very least, to the nearest window to get a glimpse of what's going on.

The ambulance sighting today, though, was totally uneventful. I'm not even sure what happened. The EMT's came, went into a house, and left without anybody on a stretcher ... (Yawn).

My window-creeping wasn't in vain, however. Like me, most of the neighborhood came out to watch, so I got to see some awesome mullets, holey wife-beaters, and even a King Cobra or two!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Double Dream Hands!!



This, my friends, is why I love the Internet.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sweet Bumper


The guy driving in front of me today had a wooden bumper.

Why, you ask?

Probably because it's AWWWWESOME!

Duh.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Doggy Depression


Hilde got in major trouble tonight for eating my Chocolate Mint plant . Now she is depressed ... THANK GOD ALMIGHTY!!

As long as she's depressed I won't have to deal with her constant licking, tail-chasing, barking, pacing, and whining. Maybe she will be sad forever! I can only hope ...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day


I love to garden because it reminds me of my Mom.

(Love you, Mom. Hope you had a good day! Sorry your card is going to be late ...)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Turkey Festival

This evening I attended my first Turkey Festival in a neighboring county. I have absolutely no idea why it's called the Turkey Festival as I didn't see any turkeys around. Although, one of the vendors was selling turkey legs ... Anyway, it was AWESOME. I ate a gyro, a funnel cake, a taco, another funnel cake, fried vegetables and a bucket of fries. I also consumed Summer Shandys, Blue Moons, and sampled a fruit punch flavored 4 Loco.

Wow.

I have no pictures to share. Sadly, amidst all of our fun, I totally forgot to take any. (insert giganto sad face)

Ok, well, I am so freakin' tired right now I just can't even bear to type anything else. So, I shall end this post. G'night my friends. And remember - support your local Turkey Festival. We don't know why they exist, but God bless the turkeys that made these festivals possible. Merica!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Retrieving ...


Netflix Instant Play + Crappy Internet Service = Very frustrated Sons of Anarchy viewer!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Plant Abuser


My plants are all wilting, because they are desperately thirsty. And, yet, I refuse to water them. Well, I'm not refusing exactly ... I'm just too lazy to water them. I sit on the couch, or walk past them, and think "Wow, they're dried out!" but I simply cannot get myself to go to the sink, fill up the watering can, and nourish them back to life.

Oh, I'll water them eventually. I always do ... It just won't be for awhile. It's like I secretly enjoy torturing my plants and then bringing them back to life when they've almost succumbed to a slow, thirsty death.

I'm a sick, twisted plant abuser.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Please Do Not Disturb.

No, seriously. Do not call, text, email me, or come to my house. If you live at my house .... well, do not talk to me.

I'm obsessively watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix instant play and have no time for real life.

Thank you,

Me.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I swear I'm not!!!!


So, I saw this bumper sticker today and had to take a picture. Unfortunately, my camera phone sucks and thus the picture sucks, but don't worry .... I'll describe it for you!

The sticker says: "I like guys who can pitch a tent." Now, look on the bottom right side of the bumper sticker. See that small white strip that runs across? Well, if you were lucky enough to see it in person, you would know that the owner of the bumper sticker taped that strip on there and hand wrote: "I'M NOT GAY!"

Uhhhhhhhh ...

If you feel the need to qualify the bumper stickers you put on your car, you probably should just not put them up at all!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Yoga Poses

So, I went to my yoga class today and it was really wonderful. I left feeling all relaxed and peaceful!

The hardest part of the class is learning how to do the poses correctly. Yoga looks so easy to me, but when you actually try it, it's really quite difficult. We did several on-the-floor poses today and the instructor was trying to get the class to position themselves correctly and she kept saying, "Pull your pubes to your navel!" "PUBES TO YOUR NAVEL!" (I'm not exaggerating, Ok. She was really saying that.)

It took me awhile, but I finally realized she was talking about the pubic bone and not, well, you know 'the pubes.' I coulda saved myself a lot of pain (and hair) if I had figured that out at the beginning!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Hairy Beast


This evening, I waxed.