Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Samhain!

It's Samhain and I couldn't be happier! I hope you all have something nefarious planned for the day ... Me? I will be doing wickedly fun things like cutting back my garden, making chili, watching the Vikes, and later, satisfying my thirst for blood with a little Dexter. My friend Stephanie and I engaged in all sorts of evil activities last night, so I'm using Samhain as my day to rest and restore!

Last night, Steph and I hung out with our buds JT and TT. JT made us all sorts of wonderful whore-day-overs hor d'oeuvres and I wanted to share with you one of his recipes, perfect for your Samhain get-togethers ...

JT's Samhain Snausages

What you will need:
Can of Vienna sausages
Can of Easy Cheese
A straw


First, take the straw and poke a hole through each sausage.


Then, suck out the sausage center, but I would suggest keeping this part of the recipe to yourself ... might gross your guests out to know you were sucking on their sausages. (Muhahahahaha!)


Next, fill with Easy Cheese.


And, there you have it. Your snausage-fest is complete! I recommend digging in quickly before you start thinking about what you're eating and totally gross yourself out!!

A wickedly wrong and yet disgustingly delightful Samhain treat.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Trick O' Chauncelot-Treat!


Tonight was trick or treating night in Chauncelot ... Weird, right? In Minnesota we always went trick or treating ON HALLOWEEN!! Doesn't really matter, though, because a Chauncelot Halloween is always entertaining no matter when it occurs!

Check out Albert above. He actually had a Halloween costume this year!! Normally, he just dresses up as Albert, so I'm kinda thinking he stole the costume from someone else. He was very polite, said thank you, and even said, "Happy How-ween. Eat da candy."

Awwwwwww.


At one point, Mason and I were looking at the people coming and Mason said, "Look that kid's wearing his Dad's coal mining outfit." Then we looked closer ... "Oh, wait. That is Dad."

Yep.

Full-grown freakin' man out trick or treating. Dude, you're a loser. (I gave him the barfy banana-flavored Laffy Taffy.)



Even Naschair made it out for the festivities!!!!! We don't know exactly what she was doing, but she kept riding up and down the street, while her freakishly tall boyfriend walked beside her.

Unfortunately, I didn't capture all of the Chauncelot dysfunction on camera - like the trick or treating newborns or the prostitutes mothers dressed up like sexy bunnies, french maids, and one in a freaky bondage costume - but, nevertheless, my memories of it are priceless!

I love Chauncelot!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Questions for Dashboard Jesus


My Dashboard Jesus gets around. Sometimes, He's in my car ... other times other places ... but, tonight He sits in a plant in my kitchen window.

I like Dashboard Jesus.

I often engage Him in religious debates, but lately I've resorted to asking Him all of my religious questions. Tonight, I asked Dashboard Jesus a question, a question so profound and perplexing that it has stumped me for many a year:

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

Dashboard Jesus remains mum on the issue.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Long Distance Relationships ...

are hard.


Even harder, when your loved one falls asleep during your Skype session!

Basically, I'm forcing my niece and my sister to Skype weekly with me. Since I live so far away, I'm really worried that E won't know me. I don't want to be the scary Aunt from Ohio! I'm the cool one, remember? So, until I can move closer, Skype will have to do!


But, E is over it. She gets bored and then falls asleep.



Then, she poops her pants and sleeps some more ...

Dang girl! Sleep at night, stay awake for Auntie!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Friday, October 22, 2010

Jack-O-Awesome!


Tonight I had myself a little pumpkin-carving party ... of which, I was the only one in attendance.



But whatever. Give me some wine, a big knife, a good pattern and a garbage bag and I'm ready to massacre some punkins!



Don't be frightened by my mad pumpkin-carving skills.

This masterpiece was handcrafted by me and only me.

Don't even try to deny it's awesomeness!

Do you recognize my Man-O-Lantern yet?

If not, you betta axe somebody!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Just Your Average Conversation

Mason: So, me and this guy Jerry were comparing our boxers in the hallway before class. He thought his were cuter, but I said there's no way in hell.

Me: You what? You compared your boxers?

Mason: Yeah ............ Why?  .................. NO! Not like underwear! Like our dogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Boxers = dogs!

Me: Surrreeeeeee. Wonder how many people heard your "My boxers are cuter than yours" convo?

AWK-WARD.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Just Did It!


I probably should have blogged yesterday after the marathon, to give y'all the details on the race, but I was so friggin' sore and tired that I just couldn't do it. I'm back home in Ohio now - still sore and tired - but ready to blog!!!!

On Sunday morning, we left for the race at 5am. It was early and cold and I was like "Oh hell no. This is not good!" Luckily, though, I had my big girl panties on so I toughened up pretty quickly and was rarin' to go! We made it to San Francisco just before 6am and were at the start line in plenty of time. There were TONS of people there ... over 20,000 women participated in the race! The marathon started at 7am, but there were so many people there that we didn't end up crossing the start line until like 7:23am ...

Once we finally started moving it was all good. The first couple of miles were easy and I started to get over confident about my amazing half marathon abilities ... until ... I hit the hills. They were KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The first couple weren't bad, but then we started to hit hills that seemed to go up FOREVER. I was still managing pretty well, though, until I hit mile 8. For whatever reason, mile 8 sucked balls. I started to get tired and my feet were really hurting, but I pushed on! By mile 10, I was really hating life. It had been raining for quite a while by this point and my backpack thingy broke so I was carrying that and holding the extra weight was not fun. My feet also felt like they were completely covered in blisters. And ... the hills! Every time I saw a hill I was like "Seriously go f&*! off. I'm done with you!"

Butttttttttt, I finished it.

I finished the half marathon in 3 hours 12 minutes and 24 seconds ...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was totally psyched!

That was my personal best. The Monday before the race I walked 12 miles in 3 hours and 20 minutes, so my goal for the race was just to get it done in 4 hours. I figured the hills would slow me wayyyyy down ...

But, they didn't!

I kicked ass.

I'm totally happy with myself. (And, I only ended up with 2 blisters!)

I'm not even gonna talk about what happened after the race, because I'm still traumatized by it. Basically, after walking 13.1 miles we were forced to walk another 3 miles just to get to the bus to take us back to the start line and then the bus dropped us off AT A HILL where we then had to walk like another mile back to the car. It was still raining and I was cold and wet and my muscles were so stiff and sore that I literally hobbled ... it was awful! (To the women that did the full marathon, I can't even imagine how you must have felt ... YOU ARE AWESOME!)

It was all good though ... Look at my cool new necklace that I got for completing the race!!!!!  (I also got a cool Nike bag and a dri-fit shirt ... but they're just not as blog worthy as my new necklace.)


Totally sweet.

All in all, it was a great half marathon and a great trip. I got to see all the cool sights that San Fran has to offer ... Tiffany was even nice enough to take me all the way to San Quentin just so I could see the prison! Come on, how can someone take a trip to Cali and not want to see the massiveness that is San Quentin?


It rocked.

I can't wait to do it all over again!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

14 hours and counting ....


Today, we went to Union Square to pick up our race materials ...


... and I'm definitely starting to get excited ...


... The race looks deceivingly easy on paper!!!!!!!!


Now it's time for some pre-race refreshments, UFC, and off to bed ...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Cali-forn-i-a



It's almost half maarrrrathonnnnn timmmmeeeee!

I'm in California visiting Tiffany and anxiously dreading awaiting the 13.1 miles from Hell!

I'd like to think I'm ready, but after driving part of the course today and seeing the hills I'm gonna have to trudge up, I'm pretty freakin' intimidated ...

But, even if it takes me 7 hours, I'm determined to finish this thing!!

Show time is this Sunday at 7:30am pacific time ...

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Baby Mama Drama


I'm not happy.

I've got a serious baby mama situation on my hands right now  ...

I come home from work today to find a cup sitting on my counter.

A cup without a lid. A cup that is holding a big mama spider and a crapload of her babies.

Why is it on my counter, you ask?

Oh, I screamed asked the same question.

WHY THE EFF IS THERE A CUP WITH A HUGE EFFING SPIDER AND A BILLION EFFING BABY SPIDERS ON MY COUNTER??????????????????????

The kid: 'Cause I found it at work last night and thought it was cool.

So, you're telling me that you BROUGHT this into the house. That it has been in the house for over 24 hours and that there hasn't been a lid on it this whole time, WHICH MEANS THERE WERE PROBABLY MORE BABY SPIDERS THAT CRAWLED OUT AND ARE SOMEWHERE IN MY FREAKIN' HOUSE RIGHT NOW ... BREEDING MORE SPIDERS? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?

The kid: Uhhhh, yeah basically.

(This is the part where I began ripping out my hair and beating my head on the floor. I no longer have hair now ... or much of a skull left.)

Oh, ok. Well that's great. Thanks for bringing it home with you. Really cool! Totally love it! NOW GET IT THE EFF OUTTA HERE!!!!!! 

************

Until today, I've never really had a problem with spiders. But, after witnessing this massive spider spawn, I've deduced that (1) I hate spiders and (2) spider baby mama drama is uber creepy. On the bright side ... even if she and her baby spider army invade my house at least she can't ask for child support! Holla!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Tomorrow there shall be no work!

I fully support bogus holidays like, Columbus Day, if they mean that I don't have to work! (Do I really need to explain why it's bogus or do you really believe C.C. discovered America and that the events that followed went just awesome for the people already here?)

So, anyway, in my support of a day off of work, I have one question:

Who wants a freakin' beer??????

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Caroline! ... Roses really smell like poo-poo-poo


Mason's latest gift to me was poo-pourri.

Ahhhh.

Ok.

Not sure how I feel about that. He swears that he's not trying to send me a message. He says that he just saw it and thought it was really funny.

Suuuurrrrrrreeeeee.

Looks like somebody betta recognize that my sh*t don't stank!

Anyway, this sh*t actually works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Mason tried it, not me.) It literally masks everything and doesn't leave the air smelling like a horrid mixture of poo and roses like other air fresheners do.

Just spray poo-pourri in the toilet bowl water ... and go. Literally.

I can tell ya right now that someone I work with is going to be getting an anonymous gift from me very soon, 'cause  I'm getting really tired of vomiting in my mouth everyday after, what I call, "the horror" occurs.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Ol' Albert ... And His Sister



(I can't believe it's been over two months since my last Albert post!)

This evening, I was outside filling the bird feeders when Albert walked through my yard. Of course, my dogs jumped all over him and started to follow him home. I was yelling at Madge and Hilde to stay in the yard, but they weren't listening; all they could think about was the "cohn dawgs" Albert fed them the last time. So, instead of trying to kidnap my dogs like usual, Albert stops, turns around, and yells:

You dawgs need to listen to yo' Momma. She say go home. She da boss.

*gulp*

*sniffle* *sniffle*

I literally had to wipe away a tear. It was one of my first encounters with Albert where I didn't have terrible thoughts of strangling him, or feel like screaming obscenities, or want to claw my eyes out just to release the pent up frustration he brings on.

It was sweet ...

and it really freaks me out, because it's soooooooo not like Albert to actually be helpful.

Either he's maturing, gaining a conscience, or is on some good meds. I can't decide which.

Anyway, shortly after this, Albert's little 3 year old sister comes wobbling over screaming and pointing at Madge:

Dat cow. Dat a cow. Me pet cow. Me like cow-cow.

Ahhhhh. WTF.

She's not a cow. She's a chubby, black and white dog.

No. She cow-cow.

Ooooookkkkkkaaaaayyyyyy. Can someone get this kid a picture book please?

Luckily, after Albert's sister started calling Madge a cow, both dogs followed me without any trouble back to the house. I think the wobbly, screaming girl totally freaked them out. I'm just hoping that Albert and his family don't really think Madge is a cow, because if I find her missing one day and then see them eating hamburgers, I'm gonna throw a fit.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Happy Travels

This past weekend, I traveled to the lands in the North to visit my niece-icles, "E" ...

She couldn't take her eyes off me, 'cause she knows her Auntie is awesome!

Well, that was until I dropped her ...

But then, I gave her SILLY BANDZ and she was sooooooo happy and seemed to quickly forget about the head trauma.

All in all, I think I'm gonna like this kid.  

When I got home from my lovely visit with E, Mason surprised me by organizing all of my herbs and even adding to my collection!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was herb-tastic!!!!!!!!!

Dandelion Root is one of my favorites ... Supposedly, if you make a tea with Dandelion Root your psychic powers will increase ... (I've been drinking it all day, which is why I know exactly what you're thinking right now and I would advise you NOT to do it ... or if you do, carry brass knuckles!)


Ah, Mugwort! Herban legend has it that carrying Mugwort will protect you from wild beasts ... or sun stroke. I'd say wild beasts are a much more likely encounter, so definitely pick yo'self up some of this.

Verbena or Vervain is another one of my favs ... Bury this in your garden if you're in need of money. Carry it if you want everlasting youth.

Rose hips are a great source of Vitamin C. Drink up a rose hip tea if you're feeling cold and flu-ish. 

(Needless to say, I was overjoyed with my new herbal delights ... and, Mason's stellar organizational skills!)


**************************

 My vacation filled with babies and a surprising herbal homecoming ROCKED! I can't wait to do it again :)

And, I already miss my little sk-Elli-ton.