Monday, May 31, 2010

Hot Balls! (APAD)

The 252nd picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


I've eaten so many Atomic Fireballs in the past two days that the entire roof of my mouth has been burned raw. YEEOCH! However, that hasn't stopped me from wanting more. In fact, I was just online at the bulk candy store, perusing their selection of Fireballs and Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, when I saw a "kosher candy" link so I clicked on it. Apparently, Atomic Fireballs are a kosher candy! Ah, whaaaa? I always thought kosher had to do with meat and the way animals are slaughtered. I didn't realize that it involved candy.

So, I clicked on the "Kosher FAQ" link to see if I could find out more about the kosher-ness of Atomic Fireballs. Basically, all it says is that they can send you a certification letter stating that their manufacturers have kosher facilities. Then it goes on to say that their facility is not kosher. So, if you order less than 10 pounds of Jelly Belly Jelly Beans (like I was going to!!!) they repackage it at their un-kosher warehouse making a once kosher product un-kosher!

Now, I'm in a predicament. I really want the Jelly Belly Jelly Beans, but I'm scared since they're un-kosher and I have no idea what that means. I don't even know why this is concerning me, because I just ate a BLT and earlier I had a ham sandwich. I'm pretty sure they're both un-kosher. But, I am concerned. Now, I need to know what makes a candy warehouse un-kosher before I can order these dang things. And, google is not helping answer my question!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr ...

Sunday, May 30, 2010

'Twas A Scorcher (APAD)

The 251st picture(s) in "A Picture A Day" series.


Snow: a distant memory.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Phagophobia (APAD)

The 250th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Among the many fears I suffer from, swallowing pills is one of them. I've suffered from it since childhood. This makes my morning routine of taking a multi-vitamin incredibly torturous. Mason can't even be in the same room with me when I take them, because it's so painful to watch.

Basically, it begins with me having to take a few moments to psyche myself up. Then I put the vitamin in my mouth, attempt to chug water, and begin dry heaving ... violently. I usually end up spitting it out, along with a bunch of water, and then have to try it again. It's really quite awful.

I think the fear of swallowing pills stems from a fear of choking to death. Did I ever tell you about the time I almost choked on a tootsie roll? Yeah, I was out in the boonies doing a visit for work and stopped at this little run down gas station to use their nasty bathroom. I bought a pop and a bag of tootsie rolls. Before I drove away, I popped a tootsie roll in my mouth and - I don't know what happened - but basically I started choking on it. All I could think about during what I thought were the last moments of life, was that I was going to die out in B.F.E. from a freakin' tootsie roll. And, when my body was found it would probably just be thrown in the middle of the nearby national forest, never to be discovered, because I'm sure mine wouldn't be the first dead body to turn up in that gas station parking lot. And, regardless of my accidental death, the gas station owners wouldn't want the police poking around, since I'm fairly certain the gas station is just a front for a larger drug operation. Then, just like that, the tootsie roll shot out from my throat and hit the windshield!! Whew!

So, yeah, anyway ... I'm a phagophobic. (Don't laugh Stephanie!)

I just wish that I had a fear of chocolate or fried foods or something like that. I'd be so much skinnier if that was the case!

Friday, May 28, 2010

And It Tasted Like Swiss Cheese ... (APAD)

The 249th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Snacking on cheese and crackers was probably not the best idea while watching The Road. Thanks to my wild and disturbed mind, I've now associated Swiss cheese with human flesh and I am entirely grossed out!!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Un-Sex-y And The City (APAD)

The 248th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


I am a huge fan of the Sex And The City (SATC) series. I was devoted and addicted to the show and absolutely loved it. When the first SATC movie came out I was scared. Why? Because the show was so freakin' good. I was worried that the movie would ruin it's fabulousity. It didn't though. I really loved the first movie. It was like an extension of the show and it tied up all the loose ends that the series hadn't.

When I heard about the second movie I was even more panicked. Unless you're talking about the Godfather 2 or even The Empire Strikes Back, sequels are never good. Trilogies are even worse. I was terrified that the sequel would be an insult to such a great show ...

I was right.

I didn't like it.

I was terribly disappointed.

Unlike the first movie, this one felt forced. No longer was I watching funny, fabulous, chic and witty women, but instead I was watching women that seemed outdated, boring, and dare I say it, old.

Within the series and even in the first movie, the humor was real, biting, sarcastic and witty, in this movie it was just forced and dumb. I didn't laugh once. Not even at Samantha! And, if you're a die hard SATC fan, then you know she's crude and hilarious.

The movie was cheesy. The whole song and dance scene in the middle of it was just dumb. Even the fashion was horrible. SATC is known for it's chic, albeit sometimes bizarre sense of style, but in this movie it was awful. Samantha's red dress with the weird silver shoulder thingys was just so wrong.

Ugh.

Sigh.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I can only hope that there will not be a third movie. That would just be a punishment to it's loyal fans. Let SATC rest in peace. It had a fabulous life - 6 seasons and a good movie (I'm gonna pretend like the second one never happened).

Now, just let it be.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Totally Groovy (APAD)

The 247th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Meet my new favorite "candy" ... Ginger Chews. Yum, yum, yummmmmmmmm.

Yes, I admit it ... I'm turning into more and more of a hippie as the days go by!

Perhaps I should reconsider the horehound candy ...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Pants On The Ground ... (APAD)

The 246th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


That's exactly what I looked like when I saw someone's vagina today.

Yes. I said vagina. And, no it's not some freaky sex story.

The whole situation goes something like this: me and a woman were in a public area talking. I was sitting down and she was standing. My head is at her crotch level. Lucky me!

So, I turned around to do something and when I turned back towards her, her pants had fallen down ....

What's worse is that she forgot to put on underwear today.

What's more horrible is that either she didn't notice that her pants had fallen down or she didn't care.

Now, what do you do in that situation? Do you bluntly say, "Hey lady, I see your vag." Do you politely say, "Oh, looks like you need a belt." Do you say, "Hey you shaved!" Or do you just pretend like it's not happening?

In my case, I was so emotionally disturbed from seeing her vagina that I tried desperately to act like everything was normal. I just turned back around and went on about my business, hoping that she would pull her pants up by the time I had to look at her again. Thankfully, she did.

After seeing what I saw today, I truly believe General Larry Platt was right 'cause she was lookin' like a fool with her pants on the ground!

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Invasion (APAD)

The 245th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.



Freakin' ants! They have invaded my kitchen.

I didn't feel like going to Walmart to purchase ant killer, so instead I researched toxic solutions on the web. Basically, I'm trying a mixture of jelly and borax. I guess that you can mix equal parts of jelly and borax to kill ants on the spot.

However, I prefer a more lethal and devious route ...

I used about 10 spoonfuls of grape jelly to a half spoonful of borax. According to some website, this causes a slowwwwwwwww ant death. This allows them enough time to partake in the deadly delight and then take it back to their kingdom, deliver it to their Queen, and then they will all die a horrible death.

Yesssssssss. That's just what I want.

I'll let you know how it goes. I just laid out the traps and the ants are currently investigating them. I hope they will soon eat my little treat. Maybe by tomorrow all ants in Chauncelot will be dead.

We shall see ...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Who ya gonna call? (APAD)

The 244th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.



Went ghost hunting at a new place last night! I found this cryptic drawing on one of the windows. I wonder what it is? Hmmmmmmmm. I'm guessing it was drawn by a teenage ghost.

Anyway, we were planning on going back to house 107, but a ghost hunting emergency came up. How could we pass that up? So, instead we hunted an old hardware store with two apartments on top. Apparently, the women who live there have been experiencing some pretty scary stuff: TV's and lamps turning on and off with no one touching them, banging, something whispering "Get out," and yada yada yada. One of the women is so scared of the place that she refuses to sleep there. So, who better to call than us, right?

We began the hunt around 7pm. We toured the place, took pictures, set up audio and video, and took EMF readings. EMF stands for Electro Magnetic Field. EMF readings are typically really high around electrical stuff, which means that if you're standing by something with a high EMF you're probably gonna feel creepy and weird. When all the lights were on in the basement of this place there were high EMF spikes, which is why it felt so spooky to be down there ... like something was watching you. But, when everything was turned off the readings went away and so did the feeling. Interesting, huh? So, once we have a base EMF reading and know where the high EMF's are going to be, if it spikes during the hunt either we have activity or know that we're standing by something that emitted high EMF's earlier.

Unfortunately, we didn't get jack on this trip. Well, I shouldn't say that because I still have audio to review and the others have audio and video. So, maybe we will have something. The hunt was a total disappointment, though, because at 12am just when we were really getting started, the owner of the place decides to invite half a million people over for a kegger. Ummmmmmmm. Ok. Needless to say, that pretty much ruined our night of ghostages. Ya can't hunt with a ton of people. And, ya can't hunt with douche bags. It's a rule in the ghost hunters handbook.

And there ya have it. Another ghost hunt bites the dust.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Horehound (APAD)

The 243rd picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Among the blueberry, raspberry, and fruit punch flavored candy sticks at the Bulk Foods Depot, I spotted the odd and, according to the sign, natural flavor of horehound. WTH is a horehound? I had no idea, but how could I resist? With a name like that it has to be good!

So, I purchased the fifteen cent candy stick. I was expecting a strong and pungent flavor, but it really doesn't taste like much. The more I suck on it though, the more of a slight herbal taste comes out.

Hmmmmmmmm.

This candy is not for me. I prefer high fructose and artificially flavored delight.

Though, I do envision super old people and hippie families happily sucking away on the horehound candy stick.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Sweet & Spicy (APAD)

The 242nd picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


I think the wasabi peas gave me the wasabi poos ...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Another Open Letter to Mini Van Owners (APAD)

The 241st picture in "A Picture A Day" series.




Dear Mini Van Owners:

Why do so many of you insist on putting up these family stickers on your vans?

Did you not see the last season of Dexter? The Trinity Killer totally used the information off of one of these to kidnap a kid, torture him, and then try to kill him by burying him in cement!

Further, it really annoys me that the females on the stickers are always wearing dresses.

Moreover, why is everyone always smiling on the stickers? An angry baby would make me like these more.

Additionally, the cat seems to be disproportionately large. Does anyone have a cat that is the same size as their toddler?

Finally, why aren't there fat family stickers? Fat people deserve stickers too!

Ok. That's all.

Thanks for listening,

Danielle

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Bye Disco (APAD)

The 240th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Yesterday, I was just too sad to blog about the death of my childhood dog, Disco.

Actually, her name was Disco Daisy Herman. My sister named her Disco and then I added the middle name of Daisy and then my brother gave her the second middle name of Herman. Weird? Maybe. But, it suited her.

My sister said she died happy. I'm glad.

Bye Disco! I love you ...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Moment of Zen (APAD)

The 239th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Rawhides for dogs are the equivalent to video games for kids. They keep 'em busy for hours and outta my hair!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Silly Willy (APAD)

The 238th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.



Mason is a sucker for marketing gimmicks. If he didn't believe that I would kill him, we would probably own everything from the Sham Wow, to the Hanger Cascader, to the Zorbeez, to the Plater Grater by now.

Mason also loves sales. If something is on sale he feels the need to buy it in multiple. According to Mason, this saves us money. Ah, yeahhhh, sure it does. That's why we have two gigantic jars of pickled eggs in the cupboard that no one will ever eat! I'm so glad we "saved" money on those.

That's how I got the lightening bug gummy candy. Not only do the bugs really light up, but they were also on sale!! How could Mason possibly pass that up? Yeah, he couldn't. Once again, the marketing geniuses reeled him in. Now, I have a bag full of nasty candy and a tweezer-thingy that lights up. Yay me!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Address 107 (APAD)

The 237th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Last night, we did a local ghost hunt at house 107. Basically, the owners of the house report that unexplainable things have occurred such as, footsteps up and down the stairs, objects moving with no one touching them, crashing sounds, and growls. Apparently, one of their guests also saw some sort of apparition. And, their daughter was so scared that she refused to sleep in her bedroom (where some creepy stuff occurred) her entire Senior year of high school! Cool, huh?

My BFF Stephanie came up with a great idea of setting up our audio and video early in the evening to see if we could capture anything without anyone there. So, around 6pm we headed to 107 and set everything up and then left and sat on the porch and enjoyed a few Summer Shandys. Mmm, Mmm, Mmmmmmmm.

Around dusk, we drove back to 107 to begin our hunt. We reviewed the audio and video from earlier in the day. We found diddly squat on the video, but heard some interesting things on the audio: some odd knocking sounds, clicks, and whistling. (This is the most we have EVER captured before!) Stephanie is going to listen to it all again to see if there's a logical explanation for any of it. So, after listening to our cool EVP's, we set up in the house and camped out in total darkness for awhile ...

I heard and saw ... NADA! Booooooooooo :(

Stephanie and I ended up leaving relatively early because I had to work a couple hours this morning and decided I needed to be slightly functional for it :) The rest of the group was going to hunt for a while longer and then set up audio and video to play the rest of the night like we had done earlier that day. So, there's still hours of footage yet to review. We'll see if any cool ghostages are captured.

Awesomely enough, we can go back next weekend, so I'm hoping that if we don't find anything this time around, maybe we'll have better luck next Saturday!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Ghostbustin' (APAD)

The 236th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Prepping for a ghost hunt tonight!

Thankfully, tonight's hunt is only 30 minutes away instead of our usual drive of over 2 hours. We're hunting at someone's house where freaky things have been a happenin'. We'll see if we find anything :) I'll fill you in on all the details tomorrow!

Think creepy thoughts for us!

Friday, May 14, 2010

It's Hot in Herre (APAD)

The 235th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Despite the God-awful humidity these past few days, I absolutely refuse to turn on my air conditioning. May just seems wayyyy too early to turn on the air. So, in order to sleep comfortably, I've decided to saran wrap ice to my body ...

Sounds like a logical alternative, no?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

It's Not Me! (APAD)

The 234th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


As soon as I opened today's paper, I saw the headline: See anyone you know? The article contains a series of pictures of unidentified college-goers that may be responsible for starting several fires at a huge block party over the weekend. Obviously, the police want help in identifying them.

The thing about this article, though, is that it really illustrates how potentially mentally ill I am. When I saw the words, See anyone you know? OUPD wants your help ID'ing these Palmer-fest goers," I immediately thought to myself: "OMG! I hope I'm not in one of those pictures!!!"

Ummmmmmmmm ...

Here's the thing. I wasn't even at the block party! Not even nearby! I also didn't start any fires that weekend! Soooooooo, why the hell would I think that????

Perhaps ...

... because ...

I'M MENTALLY DISTURBED!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Behavioral Interventions ... (APAD)

The 233rd picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


I practice discipline techniques on my dogs. They especially love timeout!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Very Superstitious (APAD)

The 232nd picture in "A Picture A Day" series.



In terms of luck, I think that breaking a glass filled with your favorite wine is far worse than breaking a mirror. Instead of 7 years filled with bad luck, I probably have like 30 ahead of me!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ask A Ninja ... (APAD)

The 231st picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


The Ninja Handbook rocks my world!

Tiffany sent me a link to this and now I really want to buy it. According to the excerpt on Amazon.com, this book is specifically designed for non-Ninjas who are searching for deadly Ninja wisdom. Ahem, that would be me! The problem, though, is that "most non-Ninjas who handle these delicate, deadly pages will die–probably in an elaborately horrific and painful manner." Ummmmmmmmmmm, WHAT!!!! But, hey, I guess even if I die reading it, at least I died a mother-effing ninja, right?

What really grabbed me, though, is reading the customer comments. I'm a comment person and always read the reviews before purchasing something important. And, possessing Ninja awesomeness IS very important. The comment that sold me on purchasing The Ninja Handbook was this:

".... I killed two grandmothers and a wiener dog, and that was before I finished the third chapter! I will never go to jail, because I can smoke-bomb my way out of any situation. An indefensible reference for all that want to become phantasmal assassins lurking in the shadows of society."

I don't wanna kill anyone per se, but DANG(!) ... two grandmothers AND a weiner dog BEFORE finishing the third chapter. I'M SOLD! Look, I live in Chauncelot where every mullet in the area owns a gun. I need skillz that will shock and awe even the toughest mullet. And, me thinks The Ninja Handbook will be quite useful for this ...

Uncover the powers of The Ninja Handbook here ... if you have the cojones to do so that is!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Root (APAD)

The 230th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


That's a ginger root. Don't ya think it's cool looking? It reminds me of the mandrake baby in Pan's Labryinth. Anyway, earlier this year I found out that I really like ginger tea, which was surprising since I have never been a fan of tea. The problem, though, is that I can't find just a package of ginger tea. The ginger tea is always mixed in a sampler package with a bunch of other nasty teas I would never drink.

Today, I was desperate for some ginger tea, because I'm really nauseous and have a bad upset stomach. And, ginger tea is excellent for calming down a turbulent tummy, so I decided to make my own. It's really easy!

First, buy a ginger root at the grocery store. Then, cut off about two inches of it, peel it, and thinly slice. Boil 4 cups of water and add the sliced ginger. Cover and let it simmer for 15-20 minutes.


And now you have a yummy glass of homemade ginger root tea!


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Good Food, Good Drinks, Good Friends (APAD)

The 229th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Birthday celebrations with friends tonight!

Had a great time, but also came to a very sad realization. We are old! It's not even 9pm and I'm already home and thinking about bed!!!!

Happy Birthday Stephanie! Love ya ;)

Friday, May 7, 2010

Pee/Green/Tea (APAD)

The 228th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


No, it's my green tea, but thanks for asking.

And, if I ever provide a urine sample like that, someone needs to help me 'cause I've probably morphed into a horse! What a helluva sample that would be!!!!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Nothing to Eat! (APAD)

The 227th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


When your dinner consists of brussel sprouts and a glass of water, you know you really need to go grocery shopping!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Offense to the Fence? (APAD)

The 226th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Happy Cinco De Mayo!

I celebrated with some festive chips and a good meal at the local Mexican restaurant.

To further my celebration, I'm enjoying some cervesas and reading about the craziness that is the new Arizona Immigration Law. Seriously, Arizona peeps ... WTF are you thinking??? And, although I hate basketball, I love the Phoenix Suns for their ultra cool protest of the new law. You rock, Los Suns!

I've also been watching some of my favorite Daily Show clips including my all-time favorite one, Uncaged Heat. It doesn't have any thing to do with Cinco De Mayo or the freakishly absurd immigration law, but it does have to do with Minnesota, prisons, and the potential building of a gigantic fence ... which, actually, now that I think about it might be a solution for the crazies over in Arizona. As Bo Dietl so poignantly declares in the clip, "If they're all f$%kin' nuts in that state, we should fence the whole f&*kin' state in."

Word, Bo. Word.

If you haven't watched Uncaged Heat, watch it here. It's 5 minutes well spent.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Chomp, Chomp (APAD)

The 225th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


I've eaten almost all of my 380 pieces of Dubble Bubble! And, I've gained like 5 pounds since I got this in February, which I'm attributing to my binge gum chewing.

What a waste of freakin' calories! If I'm gonna gain weight I'd rather do it eating actual food, not chompin' on Dubble Bubble ... At least it's almost gone. Maybe I'll actual lose weight now that I don't have the scrumptious Dubble Bubble to tempt me.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (APAD)

The 224th picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


The Good:

- My honeysuckle is blooming.

- I saw my first hummingbird of the season!

- I'm eating a delicious Walmart frozen pizza.

- Tons of mind-numbing television on tonight!!

The Bad:

- My honeysuckle is overtaking everything it can get it's vines on.

- I think there might be a black cloud following me around these days.

- My dogs are abnormally hyper tonight and I'm too tired to play.

- So many dishes to do and so little motivation to do them!

The Ugly:

- I have a huge zit on the side of my nose.

- The inside of my car smells slightly like urine.

- Cats keep pooping in my garden and I accidentally touched some while gardening today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.......................................

(By the way, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is one of the best spaghetti Westerns around!!)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

One Word, One Picture (APAD)

The 223rd picture in "A Picture A Day" series.


Disgustamundo.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Oh, How I Love Thee (APAD)

The 222nd picture in "A Picture A Day" series.



Chauncelot is dry!

I wonder why?

Until May 12th it won't be the same!

Without easy access to alcohol will the streets be tame?

Oh, the men wearing wife-beaters will still wander around ...

Only without their tasty King Cobras they so love to pound.

So many here are without a car,

Or the money for gas to take them far.

Perhaps this is why I saw today ...

A truck filled with 9 people driving away.

"Gettin' beer" one of them shouted.

"And a couple big girls too," another touted.

Oh Chauncelot, I love thee ...

Your endless dysfunction brings me such glee!

THE END.