I thought the Farmer's Almanac would be cooler than it is. I guess I was expecting it to make me a Super Weather Freak, but really I haven't learned much about weather. So far, I've learned what the Golden Rule is in all the different faiths, the miraculous uses of vinegar, how to hard boil an egg "the right way," and "Famous Last Words."
I actually really enjoyed the Famous Last Words section. Winston Churchill is my favorite. His last words were, "I'm bored with it all." (Word. Me too, Winston.) Oh, I also liked Henry David Thoreou's last words: "Moose .... Indian ...." (Dude ... you're ... crazy!)
For me, the best part of the Almanac is the classifieds section. After reading the classifieds, I realized that I've gone through 29 years of life never knowing that the answers to my prayers were only a phone call away! For instance...
There's DIANA THE HEALING SPECIALIST. She removes evil spells.
BROTHER ROY does something with healing oils and guarantees success!!
SISTER DOREEN removes evil spells too, but she tops DIANA because she also "solves all problems."
Then, there's the VOODOO WOMAN who, obviously, conducts voodoo spells. You can get a special package for only $75.
MOTHER THOMPSON will help you claim your destiny. But, she also says in her ad that she was "born with a veil," so I'm a little leary of her.
Then there is PEACHES, a spiritual love doctor. She not only reunites lost lovers, but also removes bad luck. AND, she'll give you a "free reading!"
Finally, there is SISTER CHEROKEE. Sister Cherokee claims to be a "gifted indian reader," who can give good luck, blessings and guidance. But, then she ends her ad by saying that she's "from Egypt." Ummmmmmmmmmm. I think she's confused on her ancestry. I don't trust her one bit. Can you say, PHONY?!
You probably noticed that I forgot to include their phone numbers ... Sorry to tell ya, but I didn't forget. It was on purpose! You see, right now, I'm one step ahead of all of you, non-Almanac owners ... I have the power to be AWESOME with just one phone call! And, I'm not giving that crap up for free. So, if you want the power to be AWESOME you have two options:
(1) Go buy a cool Almanac
(2) Call me, SISTER DANIELLE. MID-WESTERN BORN SPIRITUALIST. BORN WITH CRAZY-EYE, BUT HAS PHONE NUMBERS OF POWERFUL HEALERS. FIRST THREE DIGITS IN EACH PHONE NUMBER FREE. CALL NOW 555-3333.