Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I'm going to be an Auntie!
I have so much to say to you, little niece or nephew, but since you're not even born yet, I'll start with this:
* I hope your parents name you Danielle Jr. if you're a girl.
* I will teach you lots of cool things like where to wipe your boogers when you pick your nose.
* I will also teach you funny acronyms like, "WTF."
* We will drink Mountain Dew together. When you're older, like 10 or 11, we'll start on the booze.
* I will buy you a bunch of toys ... really, super noisy ones!
* We'll play fun games that I make up like, "Don't Do What Mommy Says!"
* I will buy you a hamster, gerbil, and bird for your 3rd birthday.
* I will probably recycle old birthday cards and cross out other people's names and then send them to you. It doesn't mean I don't love you though! It just means you have a lazy Auntie.
* You may also occasionally receive birthday or Christmas gifts from me that are wrapped in a Walmart bag or just in newspaper. Or I'll just make your Mom or Grandma wrap them for me.
* I will take you to pet stores to look at all the puppies and kitties they have there. Then we'll talk about how mean your parents are that they won't let you have one.
* I don't want to miss out on your life. The 5-year plan has become the ASAP plan.
* I'm going to be the coolest Auntie ever.
* Yes. You're sharing this blog post with a cat, but that's life, kid.
* I love you already.
RIP Meeka Riley. YWRFL.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
She's in love with our next door neighbor, a wiener dog named Hot Dog. She's obsessed with him. She recognizes his name, so we can't say it or she'll go crazy. Even if we're inside, Madge always seems to know when Hot Dog has escaped from his fenced-in yard and is roaming throughout the neighborhood. She has a sixth sense for Hot Dog!
We're not sure why she likes him so much, but we have our suspicions. I'm sure he has a great personality and all that, but he also has, um, an extraordinarily large, ah ... well ... Mason refers to him as, "The dog attached to a penis" or "The dog with five legs," because he truly lives up to both his name and breed.
The sad part about it, though, is the feelings of love are not mutual. See, Hot Dog prefers big women. He has a live-in girlfriend, Holly. A Saint Bernard. Madge hates her and they fight through the fence almost daily.
In the tiny town of Chauncelot, even dogs have drama!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Today I went to a training for work. It was a good training and I learned alot.
The biggest lesson I learned, however, did not come from the training itself, but rather from an orange. Somehow, as I was peeling my orange, I accidently squeezed it and juice squirted out into the eye of the scary lady sitting next to me. Oops! Luckily she was cool with the whole thing and didn't spaz out on me like I thought she might. I learned, though, that eating healthy can actually be a health hazard! Now I know why I try to avoid it! So, for the rest of the day, I chose to stick with "safe" foods like donut holes, mini Snickers bars, and other candies I found in the room.
Monday, February 22, 2010
How important is a card?
See, I'm in a bit of a predicament. Well, not really. I'm just super lazy and my laziness has caused a mini-crisis for me. Basically, I need to mail a birthday card and I keep forgetting to go and buy one. I've been intending to get one for about two weeks now and I always seem to forget when I'm at the store. I could go to the store and get one now, but again I'm lazy and don't want to go anywhere. I'm at home and in my comfy pants, people! I could just go get one tomorrow, but I know I'll forget again. I could make a card, but I'm out of paper for the printer. I also don't have any construction paper to construct one with.
What's a lazy girl to do?
My thought is that I'll use one of the free cards The Humane Society sent me a few months ago. They totally remind me of cards you would find at the dollar store, though. Why do cheap cards always have to have a teddy bear on them?? And, none of them are birthday-themed cards. One is for the 4th of July. Like, WTF! Who sends 4th of July cards anyway? So, I thought I would just cross out the "Get Well Soon" and write in "Happy Birthday." After I did it, I realized it looked dumb. Then, I colored it in and created a heart. Still dumb, but a little better.
Is this offensive or funny? Is it less offensive if there's money in it? What about the nice, thoughtful message I've written inside? Does that make it better? I personally would not mind getting this card in the mail. In fact, I'd probably blog about the lazy person that sent it to me.
So, I come back to my initial question: How important is a card?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I make my own laundry detergent.
I've been doing it for about a year now and love it! I save tons of money and I don't notice a difference in my clothes ... they don't seem to be dirtier or cleaner than they were when I was using store-bought detergent. So, I thought I would share the recipe with all of you, in case you're interested! It's really, really easy.
You will need: A large bucket with a cover (something that can hold at least 3 gallons of water - I use an old kitty litter container), Borax, Washing Soda, and Ivory Soap (you can also use a soap called Fels Naptha, which is probably available at a Health Food store). I also use Odoban, but that's optional. I started using it to get out the nasty smell that comes with dirty football gear and have just continued to use it ever since.
I buy both Borax and Ivory soap at Walmart. I can't remember the price, but I want to say the soap was like $5 for 10 bars and the Borax is around $7 (?) ... I can't remember for sure though. I buy the Washing Soda at Kroger (a local grocery chain), because I can't find it at Walmart. It's around $5. I've only been able to find Odoban at Sams Club and it's around $10 for a huge jug.
First, grate up the entire bar of soap - if you're using Fels Naptha I don't think you use the whole bar, so you'll need to google it. Boil 4 cups of water and gradually add the grated soap until it dissolves. Then, fill your large bucket with 3 gallons of warm water (there are 16 cups in a gallon). Add 1 cup of washing soda and 1/2 cup of Borax to the 3 gallons of warm water. Stir to dissolve. Add the soapy water you just boiled into the bucket and stir everything. Now, put a cover over it and let it sit for 24 hours! ** If you're planning to add Odoban, I'm not sure if there's a particular time you should add it. I always forgot to add it initially and just end up adding it later. I use about 1-2 cups in the 3 gallon bucket. ** The consistency of my detergent always seems to vary. Sometimes it is very gelled together, while other times it's more liquidy with pieces of gel in it. Either way, it always works fine for me.
There you have it, folks. Your very own laundry detergent! There are several different recipes online you can use, so if you no likey this one just google to find something else. In the year since I started making my own detergent, I have only had to re-supply the Washing Soda. So, all in all, I've spent about $32 bucks on ingredients this year and won't need to buy refills anytime soon! I usually need to make more detergent about every 2 months. Oh - And I use roughly the same amount of homemade detergent per load that I used with store-bought detergent ... maybe a little bit less.
FYI - This detergent doesn't sud, so don't freak if you don't see any. It's OK. This detergent also works well in front-loading washers (FLW) that require a special and pricey detergent. Basically, with FLW you need a detergent that doesn't sud up so this is perfect!!!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Tonight was movie night with the BFF.
We saw The Wolfman.
The previews for it looked awesome, but, unfortunately for us, the movie was not so awesome. The storyline was super predictable. There were no gratuitous sex scenes. The special effects really weren't that great. And, the acting coulda been better. The only saving graces of the movie were the scenery (dark, old timey England is cool) and Benecio Del Toro. As the BFF and I discussed, they probably should have premiered this movie during Halloween or, at the very least, on the night of a full moon. It might have made it a little more interesting to watch.
After the movie, the BFF and I were discussing our love for Benecio, but, sadly, couldn't remember any of the movies he's been in. Mason quickly reminded us of perhaps the best role he has ever had - Dr. Gonzo in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. If you haven't seen Fear and Loathing, you have to. I love that movie. I want them to bring it back to theaters. I could watch it over and over again. Hunter S. Thompson, the guy the movie is based on, was one of the freakiest dudes ever. And, if you don't know who I'm talking about, SHAME ON YOU! You should immediately google him and then rent both the movie, Fear and Loathing, and the documentary, Gonzo.
Am I the only one that reminisces about great movies, after I see a crappy one?
So, back to my review of The Wolfman ... if you're thinking about going to see this in the theater, don't. Just wait for it on DVD.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Three random facts:
1. I'm being stalked by a gray cat.
2. The U.S. Olympic Men's Curling team is from Minnesota.
3. I was stuck in someone's driveway about 1/2 an hour ago. I got unstuck with the aid of three women and a bag of kitty litter.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
A phone conversation I just had with my Moms:
Moms: Have I told you about the Slutty Broad Program and all the paperwork I have to process for it? Well, it's really been a lot of work.
Me: Um, wait. What program did you just say?
Moms: The Study Abroad Program.
Two things I don't like in this world: Slutty broads and my Moms processing paperwork for them.
Damn slutty broads.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
My plans for a Valentine's Eve dinner at Red Lobster were ruined by the 500,000 other people who also decided to go there. Once I heard the hostess lady say, "It'll be an hour and a half wait," I high-tailed it out the door. My dream of a belly full of crabs was destroyed. I wish you would have stayed home, 500,000 Red Lobster people!!!!!! How dare you go out to eat. How dare you.
So, instead, we went to the shady Mexican joint next door. Aside from the fried ice cream, the best part of the whole meal was that our waiter was Hey-Zeus ... and he rocked.
Having Hey-Zeus in your life really does make things better!
I love you Hey-Zeus.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Since it's Valentine's weekend, I feel like I should do some lovey, dovey posts. You know, get in the spirit of it all. So, I would like to start out my weekend of love, by expressing my love for the material items in my life ... those that are nearest and dearest to my heart.
Caffeine and vasoline ... I love you. You help me get through each day. You're always there for me, unless I forget you at home or accidentally throw you away. You make my mood less crabby and my lips shiny. Without you I get headaches ... my lips crack ... my life sucks. Caffeine and vasoline, I'm so happy you're in my life! Love, Danielle
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I love rednecks and their homemade business signs!
The sign above says, "Deer Cut Up." To rednecks, the meaning of this sign is probably quite obvious. To me, however, this sign is perplexing ... Aside from the obvious, that deer are cut up somewhere, what does that mean? Does it mean someone will cut up your deer? Does it mean there are deer parts available for purchase? Does it mean you can go there and cut up deer just for fun? It also doesn't indicate whether we're talking about fresh meat or road kill. But, perhaps, fresh meat could also be road kill and thus there is no need to distinguish??? Hmmm. Food for thought.
To the creator of this sign: Nice job making a simple, striking slogan. Obviously a head-turner. However, your sign needs some work because, quite frankly, it frightens me. Aside from the fact I don't like venison, I would never travel up the road to see your deer cut up, even out of curiousity, since I have no idea what I'd be getting myself into. My suggestion would be to invest in a slightly larger piece of wood and reword the sign to be more specific like, "Fresh Deer Meat $3/pound" or "I'll butcher your deer real cheap!" or "Have some fun hackin' deer. 1 mile up." I would also suggest putting a smiley face somewhere on the sign letting others know you're a friendly redneck. That's all. Thank you for listening, sign creator.
Thanks for sending me this pic, Steph!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I like to believe my Neti Pot has magical powers. That perhaps, one day, just as I put the spout in my nostril a gigantic booger genie will appear and grant my every wish.
In anticipation of this event, I decided to begin a wish list. See, I can be very forgetful and when the booger genie appears I don't want to be at a loss and wish for something stupid like world peace. I mean, who would want to waste a wish on that?
So, booger genie, wherever you are, here's my list:
1. Ten feet of snow so I don't have to go to work for at least a week.
2. A collapsible escalator that fits in my purse so I never have to walk up stairs again.
3. My own plane with a pilot named Xerxes and a steward named Surge.
4. Vacation homes in Minnesota and California.
5. Cokes with Santas on them year round.
6. A true doppelganger that can do all my dirty work.
7. A pink machine gun with Hello Kitty painted on the stock.
8. A fast metabolism.
9. Heart-shaped brass knuckles.
10. A never ending supply of Atomic Fireballs.
11. A toilet with a bidet.
12. Free Grand Slam breakfasts at Denny's everyday!
13. Patron Margaritas, no more cheap stuff.
14. A handicap parking sticker.
15. 1,000 Gnome figurines for my front and back lawns.
16. A dog that isn't mentally ill.
17. That Ninja Turtles really do exist. And, that Splinter never died.
18. I was related to Christopher Lloyd, Hugh Hefner, and Oprah.
19. The 2011 Super Bowl Halftime Show includes performances by Vanilla Ice, Snow, LFO, New Kids on the Block, and Debbie Gibson.
Ok, I'll be nice.
My 20th wish would be that all of my bestest friends got a magical booger genie as well!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I curse thee Super Bowl Sunday 2010.
Let me count the ways.
1. My beloved Vikings aren't playing.
2. The commercials blow.
3. The half-time show? Boooring. Where's Janet's nipple when you need it?
4. The Saints. Blech.
5. Mason got a speeding ticket and I'm pretty sure Peyton Manning had something to do with it. How? I don't know. Yet, I do know that his slimey little self was involved ... somehow.
I hate thee Super Bowl Sunday 2010.
Thou bore me.
Thou robbeth me of $125.
Thou giveth me The Who to which I say "BOOOOOOOOO."
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Orange Domination -
includes canned Mandarin Oranges and Aldi's Mac & Cheese seasoned with salt and pepper
Live Wire Mountain Dew
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
How is it possible that I live in Chauncelot and don't own a police scanner? How can I possibly keep up on the neighbors and neighborhood gossip without one?
My window-peeping techniques just aren't cutting it anymore ... I need me some high-tech gadgets.
Contributions gladly accepted.