Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Something Wicked This Way Comes: A Walmart Experience

Actually, I think the full line is "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes." Shakespeare wrote it. Fabulous isn't it? I love that line.

I bought a Halloween card the other day at Walmart with that phrase on it. It was really cool. The entire front of the card was black and white with a spooky haunted house and cemetary. The only thing that was in color were these orange pumpkins that sat outside of the cemetary. At the very top was the line, "Something wicked this way comes." On the inside it said, "Have yourself a creepy little Halloween."

I'm not totally sure what the meaning of the line was supposed to be in Shakespeare. I think it was said by one of the witches in Macbeth, but I can't remember. The way it's written, however, seems to suggest some kind of impending doom. I guess it was fitting, because little did I know that after picking out that card, I was going to have a horrible Walmart experience.

I should back up a little bit ... Normally, I leave my house to go grocery shopping every Saturday morning at 8:45am. My routine is that I head to Aldi first, which opens at 9am, and then I finish my shopping at Walmart. My goal is always to be done no later than 10am or 10:15am, which I almost always accomplish. My reasoning for this is that after 10am, it gets hellish. I mean CRAZY, HORRIBLE, Walmart HELL! The store starts to fill up, the lines get long, and there are people EVERYWHERE. For me, Walmart after 10am is kind of like what would happen to Cinderella at midnight - her dress would turn to rags, the horses to mice, the coach to a pumpkin - but in my case, my blood pressure rises, I get a pounding headache, I begin to stare daggers into anyone I see, my hands get a slight tremor in them, I sweat, I feel like I could turn homicidal at any moment ... yeah, you get the picture. I absolutely cannot handle Walmart after 10am.

So, I'm not sure what I've been thinking these past couple of weeks when I've attempted to go grocery shopping on Friday's. The Friday before last I decided to go grocery shopping at around 7pm. Bad idea. It was crowded and there were only like 2 lanes open so the lines were extremely long. That's another Walmart complaint I have: Why do they have like 30 checkout lanes but only a maximum of 6 lanes are ever open at once? I've never understood this. So, anyway, my stress levels rose significantly when I saw how packed the store was. And, the sight of only two lanes open just made my blood boil. But, what made me even more upset was that there was hardly any food! I'm serious. It was like some evil, psychic human being knew what was on my list and came and purchased the entire stock before I arrived at the store. UGH!

Well, then, I had last Friday off of work so I went to the store around 10am with Mason, thinking, "Oh it won't be bad at this time on a Friday." Ha! We get there and it's the same thing: crowded, with only a couple of lanes open. Immediately, I'm in a bad mood. I think back on this experience and I just think, "Poor Mason." Mason is almost always in a good mood or maybe it would be better to say he's always even-keeled. He never really gets angry to the point where he's mean and crabby, no matter what situation he's in.

So, the first thing we do is buy shampoo at the Walmart hair place, because I love their Olive Oil Shampoo. That experience goes relatively smoothly. Next, we go over to look at the cards, because I need to buy one for a friend of mine. I end up getting even more annoyed and frustrated, because I'm trying to pick out a nice, cool card and Mason is showing me all of these stupid ones with fart jokes and other immature crap. He thinks they're hilarious and that my friend would just think it was the funniest card ever. Whatever, Mason. I end up picking out the cool "Something wicked this way comes" card and I'm ready to head to the food aisles and I look over at Mason and he has this stack of fart joke cards and is threatening to buy them and send them to everyone I know. ARGH! I end up just walking away from him. So annoying!

We finally get to grocery shopping and I'm walking around picking up the items we need and crossing them off of the list. I give Mason a few items off of the list and he walks off to go get them. Well, I'm over in the cereal aisle getting poptarts for the boys when Mason comes back with the items we need, but also with an arm full of other junk food that he wants. Now, don't get me wrong, I really don't mind getting extra stuff that's not on the list, but every week I try really hard to stay on budget and I plan every meal we have based off of this budget. Every time Mason goes grocery shopping with me, he always irritates me by getting a million extra things. He will even tell you that he does it just to "torture you." I mean, one time he even got pickled eggs and pigs feet just to be annoying. Those nasty things sat in the fridge for months until I threw them away. Although, at the time, he swore to me that he was going to eat them. Mason also likes to irritate me by pointing to anything and everything and saying, "Look, DVD's for $4! We need to buy some," or "That plasma TV is only $1500. We have to get it," or "We'll just put it on credit ... to help the economy." So, as you can see, I am the holy crab from hell when I try to go grocery shopping with Mason!

Once we finally get everything off of our list, we attempt to find a relatively short line to stand in. Of course, we pick the "short" line where everyone has some sort of a problem where they need a "CSM" to come and take care of it or they are paying with a check and don't even start writing it out until the cashier has finished scanning their million groceries and putting all of the bags in their cart! I hate that! As we're standing in line, Mason says really loudly, "Sweetie why are you so crabby" and "You're reeeeaaaaalllly mad at me, aren't you?" He also does this just to torture me, because he knows that everyone in line will turn to look at the mean, crabby girl who is horrible to her boyfriend. ARGH!

Ok, I know, I know. My stressful Walmart experience, should really be a "stressful" Walmart experience, because in the bigger picture it really shouldn't be anything that I'm stressed out about anyway, and, Mason is just trying to be funny and make the whole experience a little more exciting, I guess, so I really shouldn't get mad and crabby with him. Yet I do. I know all of these things, but I just can't seem to put them into practice. It's like I turn into a different person when I enter the doors of Walmart. That phrase, "Something wicked this way comes," really sums up my Walmart experiences .... especially after 10am on Saturday's, but probably on any given day. Maybe I should change the line to "Something annoying this way comes," because that really is what the problem is .... everything that could possibly annoy me happens at Walmart after 10am. Although, you know, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe me reading that card that day was like a warning that I was the "wicked" in the "something wicked this way comes." That I was the crabby, evil, wicked woman who was going to be mean to everything in her path.

Wow. That realization just changed my perspective on everything. Maybe from now on there will be a kinder, more even-keeled Danielle that can enter Walmart at any time, even if it's after 10am.

Or ... maybe not.


Derek said...

I think it should have said "Something A Waste This way Comes." Because this was A WASTE of my time! LOL Nobody I mean Nobody wants to hear about your Walmart Experience. Does Ms. Crabby Pants think that the store should be closed down for just her to shop? No, It shouldn't is the correct answer. My heart isn't weeping for your crabby attitude. Especially when Mason tried to make Walmart a fun Experience. Mason I commend you for your efforts and positive attitude. Ms. Crabby Pants, my heart weeps terribly for the poor cashier who has to deal with your crabbiness. I believe "Something Wicked This Way Comes" is their motto every time the camera spots you walking through the sliding glass doors and they have to prepare themselves for your Wrath!
Oh...and just so you know. The few hundred other people are most likely crabby too. Not only does this poor cashier have to deal with your crabbiness, they have to deal with every other crabby person around you. All he/she is trying to do is make a living by working at the only job that will hire them. If they quit because of your crabiness and rudeness it could mean a downward spiral into depression. Something you should no alot about with your previous job.
So Ms. Crabby Pants I hope you realize now that personal crabiness not only affects yourself but everyone else around you. Including that poor cashier who probably is jobless, homless, and now has started a Crack addiction. It didn't have to come to this! For your Next trip to Walmart, lets be positive like Mason has tried to show you. So Ms. Crabby Pants your motto I give to you is "Something Overly Happy This Way Comes." Love, Derek

Angie said...

I agree with you Danielle! I swear they brainwash you when you walk in the door. I will walk in there and totally forget everything I need to purchase and end up with a bunch of junk I don't need!

Danielle and Mason said...

Thanks Angie for supporting me!

Hi Brother - I'm just wondering ... did you type all of that with one finger?

Danielle and Mason said...

Thanks Derek for trying to pull me out from under the bus. In Danielle's defense, I don't think I've ever really tried to cheer her up, instead I have a disease called "Winderup". It usually flares in the Walmart. I used to think she would kill me in my sleep, but now I'm thinking it'll be while I'm awake. M.

Derek said...

Wow! Give me one minute to catch my breath... ... ... Ok. Danielle that was a great comeback. I expect more out of you. I actually used all my fingers and even was able to keep my eyes on the screen. Not bad for a Jock.
Mason please don't apologize for your kindness. I wish they could be as positive as we are!
Angie nice to meet you!!! Im the Brother from The Land of 10,000 Lakes. It's ok to agree with my comment. Danielle won't be upset. You know Im right.
I also have shopped at the Walmart and even target, and know quite well what the experience is like. I hate people as well! My point was that Danielle needs to recognize that cashiers and others around her do not need to be treated rudely. The human race consists of crabby people. Lets atleast try to be civil!

Tiffany said...

Well well well. I had one comment and now I have like 4.

So, is it just me or does Yoda talk like Shakespeare?

Derek, I think they should close down the Wal Mart for Faggy to shop. Or at least have hours of sanity and hours of stupidity.

Mason, that Winderup will definitely get you killed while you're awake. I imagine Danielle will pick up some sort of Voodoo book and work some crazy magic on you.

Derek said...

Tiffany Tiffany Tiffany. Are you calling me Yoda? And when you say that the Faggy should shop at the Walmart, do you mean me? Oh Yeah its Fagen not Faggy!!! My comments were extremely correct and unbiased. Please reread the first comment I dont think you quite understood.