Saturday, October 18, 2008

Friendvention

Things in Chauncelot have been slow lately. Or maybe I just haven't been around my house enough to really notice what actually is happening? Sure, I have almost run over Albert with my car about five times in the last week, because he plays an extremely good game of "chicken" with passing vehicles. For instance, you will see him riding his bike on the side of the road and then just as you are about to pass him he will look back at you and then swerve out so you have to slam on your brakes to avoid hitting him. Really grates my nerves when he does this. He also hides behind parked cars and then when you are about to drive past he will throw a ball across the street and then jump out and chase it. That kid seriously owes me some brake pads! (Don't know who he is? You should read my first blog.) I also inadvertently found myself in the middle of a mob of people that were screaming threats at each other while I was walking my dogs a couple of nights ago. But, that's about it. So, for now, you're just going to have to deal with stories about me until I get the time to trapse around Chauncey collecting great blog material. So here it goes ...

A few weeks ago, I was going through a really bad time period, apparently, because my friend, Stephanie, was forced to do a "friendvention" on me. One day, Stephanie and I were going to meet Mason and Ryan for lunch during our lunch hour at work. Well, I must have been giving off depressive vibes, because before we left Stephanie was like, "WTH is wrong with you? You're acting weird today." I went on this long rant about how I hated everyone and how everything was going wrong and, blah, blah, blah. Well, then, as we're walking out to her car she sees the "purse" I was carrying and she says, "Oh my god. WTH is that?" I'm like, "What is what?" And she points to my "purse" and says something like, "THAT! You're turning into a hippie. You have a freakin' tote as a purse. WTH is going on?" I was like, "Yeah, I know, but I dropped a pop in my real purse a few weeks ago and I had to throw it away because there was standing pop water and it would have been all sticky. I just haven't bought a new one yet." - Let me pause for a moment to explain the pop and the purse accident. A couple of weeks prior to this, I was sitting in my office drinking a Coke Zero and talking to my coworker, Kelly. All of a sudden, the almost full can slips out of my hand and lands face down right into my purse. It was horrible. My cute, little purse was filled with Coke Zero. I pulled everything out of there to dry off and dumped the pop in my purse in the sink and then threw my purse away. It was a sad, sad moment. - So, anyway, then Stephanie says to me, "You better buy a new purse or I'm going to kill you. You can't carry around some old tote you found at work." I did find it at work, too. I actually use it FOR WORK to carry stuff in when I go to community events and, after I dumped my pop in my real purse, I just put my wallet in the tote and started carrying that around. Below is the picture of the tote:




So, anyway, we get to the restaurant and sit down and order. Then our food arrives and I am having trouble eating it. I have really bad heartburn, which I've had all morning, and I'm kinda nauseous as well. I tell everyone, "I don't feel good. I have bad heartburn and I can't eat this. I think it may have been the apple cider vinegar I drank this morning." Stephanie was like, "WTF is wrong with you? Why have you been drinking apple cider vinegar you freak?" I point to the skin around my nose and mouth and say "Because I have eczema and I read on a website that apple cider vinegar is good for your skin." She's like, "No you don't have eczema and you need to stop being depressed and hating everyone and carrying around a tote for a purse and drinking vinegar!!!" I started laughing and was like, "Yeah I know. I promise I won't drink anymore vinegar and I will get a new purse."

I think Stephanie was worried about me for a few days after that ... I stopped hating everyone and I didn't drink anymore vinegar, but I was still carrying around that tote, primarily because I didn't want to spend the money for a new one. I think I also let it slip that I had recently been using the neti pot and I thought my ears were all plugged up from that. Oops! Since the "friendvention," though, things have gotten much better for me. I did, FINALLY, get a new purse. Isn't it cute? (It only cost me like $2 at a thrift store.)



Stephanie has also become both my medical doctor and counselor. I have decided to run all of my "medical" ideas by her first, before I try them. That way, hopefully, I can avoid the terrible apple cider vinegar incident. Stephanie is my counselor as well, because when I'm depressed it really does help me to hear someone tell me, "I'll kick your ass if you don't stop this," and "I'm seriously going to come over and kill you." Those violent phrases always put things into perspective for me ... or ... at the very least, they make me laugh really hard!!

This post just made me think of something. Do you mind if a digress a little? Oh, good. I didn't think so ... My family has known this about me for a long time, but I'm somewhat of a hypochondriac. I always think that I am dying of some horrible illness. Now, when I text my sister, Brittany, to tell her that WEBMD says I have some terrible, life threatening illness, I'll just get a text back that says, "That sux" or "I hope u die quickly so u don't suffer" or "U will look scary if that really happens 2 ur face." I guess, Brittany and Stephanie are similiar in the fact that they always keep me grounded, in reality. They never let my neuroses or possible psychosis get too out of control before they smack me back down. Thank God for that.

I hate to admit this, but my neuroses or psychosis or whatever you want to call it has, unfortunately, affected other people in my life, namely Mason. Probably about three years ago, I became obsessed with the thought that Mason was going to die of a heart attack, so I began making him take a bunch of daily vitamins, eventually an aspirin. He didn't even know what I was giving him when I handed him a bunch of pills! He'd just toss them in his mouth and chug 'em down with a glass of water. Talk about trust!

A few days after I began giving him the concoction of vitamins and aspirin, he began having a really, really upset stomach. It got to the point where I was really concerned. At first, I thought he had developed some sort of bowel or colon cancer because of his symptoms; I didn't even make the connection that it might have something to do with the vitamins and the aspirin, in particular, that I was making him take everyday. So, I began to do all of this psycho online research, trying to uncover Mason's unknown illness, when somehow I came across a site that said that aspirin can upset your stomach and produce the exact symptoms that Mason was experiencing! Oh my God! I figured it out!

Now, I had to make sure that it was the aspirin that was making Mason sick and that he was not, in fact, dying of bowel or colon cancer. So, for the next few days I only gave Mason the vitamins, but stopped giving him the aspirin. Wallah! Mason's symptoms disappeared and he felt better. YAY! This just wasn't enough for me, though. I really had to make sure it was indeed the aspirin. So, I began giving Mason the vitamins AND the aspirin again. Well, one night Mason got up around 3am to go to the bathroom and when he came back he kept tossing and turning and didn't seem like he could sleep. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "I don't know, but I think I should go to the doctor." He told me that the symptoms started happening again ... I thought to myself, "It really IS the aspirin!" So, I explained to Mason that I had been doing an experiment to make sure that the aspirin was causing the symptoms and that I was sure he didn't have bowel or colon cancer. I thought he was going to be upset, but instead he just rolled over and went to sleep.

I feel really bad that I performed an experiment like this on someone I love. I mean, I didn't intend for him to get sick. It all started because I didn't want him to be sick in the first place!! Luckily, Mason thinks this experiment was really funny ... he doesn't seem to have any post traumatic stress whatsoever. Although, now that I think about it, he is very apprehensive about taking any vitamins or herbs from me anymore. As a matter of fact, Mason and the boys don't seem to EVER get sick anymore ... ... ... ... ... Sorry for the pause. I was just re-reading this and I thought to myself, "Wow! I'm a freakin' psycho!" Ok, I think at this point I just need to stop writing before someone tries to admit me into the local psych ward ...

Well, to end this blog I thought you all might be wondering what me, Mason, Stephanie and Brittany all look like ... Well, maybe you aren't, but I really don't care. Mason didn't want to be featured, although his picture is on an earlier blog .... Oh yeah, my brother also appears in the photos because that's the only picture I had on my computer with Brittany in it. I've done a bit of editing to the pictures to protect my innocent friend, sister and brother since I haven't asked their permission to use these. Maybe someday you'll be lucky enough to see who they really are. The top photo is of me and Stephanie and the bottom photo is of me, Brittany and my brother, Derek.




4 comments:

Sissytits McGraw said...

Thank goodness that your friend Stephanie and your sister have enough sense to kick your ass back into reality, that tote was awful. Stephanie sounds like the smartest person you know!

The Brittster said...

I love the experiment with Mason...I have heard it several times and your psychotic behavior always makes me laugh. And, I do care about all your illnesses...I just know that you look up the WORST possible condition and then decide that is the one you have :)

Tiffany said...

You might want to stay away from Web MD. LOL

Derek said...

Web MD is ok to use. Just experiment on your self and not Mason