Monday, September 22, 2008

Cliff started it all ...


I decided to start this blog, because of Cliff, a drunk man, that ended up lost in our yard a few nights back. Before I tell you the whole story of our drunk neighbor, Cliff, I need to give you some background on the area we live in ...

About a two and a half years ago, we started looking for houses. We had some standards that we were determined to follow, such as (1) 2 bathrooms, (2) at least 3 bedrooms, (3) in the Athens City school district (4) around $75,000 and (5) absolutely, no houses in the Chauncey and Glouster areas. The Chauncey and Glouster areas are known for being poor, rough neighborhoods riddled with crime and drugs. And, frankly, we didn't want to be known as "one of those people." So we were determined not to land in those areas. Well, we looked at a number of houses that met all of our standards, but that were total dumps. We would have had to spend a ton of money (that we didn't have) trying to make them liveable. So, a year went by ... no house ... still living in a crap-hole apartment ... Then I was looking on real estate website and saw a really nice house. It only had one bathroom, but it had three bedrooms and the photos of the house looked really, really nice. The only problem - it was in Chauncey. So to make a long story short, we saw the house and loved it. We don't regret buying a house in Chauncey for a second. Sure, it'd be nice to have more land, but that's about it. We don't plan on living here for the rest of our lives, but we'd be happy even if that's what ended up happening. We do have to deal with the eye rolls and questioning stares when we tell people that we live in Chauncey .... I think they wonder if we are "rutters" (I'll get to that in another post), prostitutes, druggies, or just plain stupid. I have to say, though, living in Chauncey has been quite amusing ...

Since living here, we've come to appreciate our neighbors and neighborhood. We knew we were no longer in Kansas when one of our neighbor's kids, Albert (pronounced Albeeerrrr), just walked in to our house. No knocking, no asking if he could come in, just walked right on through the door. This is what we know about Albert: he is from a sibling group of 8, very dirty (the whole snotty, boogery nose and all), he is 6 (he informed us he had failed Kindergarten due to it being too hard), he stands on top of his dad's run down mini-van and urinates on passing cars, and he understands why our dogs love to be scratched, because as he says "I'm itchy too, girl." When he entered our abode without any provocation, he immediately proceeded to the refrigerator requesting a "samwich". Since that time, we've posted a "Albert watch" and have become quite aware of his movements and location.

Other characters have steadily arisen. The following are just a few: our next door neighbor with a million freakin' cats, their granddaughters that leave us candy, "newsletters" and love letters to our sons, and an occasional passerby with arsenals strapped to their backs. We also have a woman that walks up and down our street for no apparent reason who our BFF's Stephanie and Ryan nicknamed "the cavewoman" since she resembles a female version of the Geico cavemen. (OK, so that's kinda mean, but it's the truth ... she looks like a freakin' cavewoman!!!)


Finally, to give you a picture of what our neighborhood looks like let me just say that we have an official "trailer mansion" just a couple of blocks down. You know, the kind that has one trailer in the middle and then several trailers attached to it, kinda like the wings of a mansion. The trailer at the beginning of the blog is just a few houses down from us. Sweet, huh! It was even featured in Newsweek!

Ok, so back to Cliff, the reason for the whole blog. Last week, probably about 9pm at night, Mason and I let the dogs out and we were standing on the back porch talking. Well, Madge was going crazy, howling and barking at something in the back yard. We assumed it was another freakin' cat pooping in my garden or something. I was trying to see what it was and was just about to tell Mason to "shoot the damn thing" (with an airsoft gun, people) when I realized it was some guy laying in our back yard. So, we dragged the dogs back in and Mason went back to watching TV while I panicked looking out every single window in the house. I could hear the guy moaning and then I saw him walking around and ran in to the living room and told Mason to go out there. Mason really didn't care and wasn't interested at all about the drunk man wandering around in the yard. So, I'm texting with my BFF Stephanie and then I look out the kitchen window and I don't see him anymore. PANIC! I run into the living room and force Mason to get off his butt, because I'm sure that this drunk man is going to, I don't know, kill us or something. So Mason is not happy that he has to go outside and look for some drunk person, but we go out anyway. He's not in the back yard anymore, so Mason goes up front and sure enough, Cliff is laying on our front porch. Mason starts to talk to him and I run away. Well, not really, but I just peek around the side of the house at them and get on the phone with Stephanie to tell her about it. So, Mason tries to find out where he lives, but Cliff is too drunk to remember, so then Mason gets the phone because Cliff is going to try to call his Mom, Victoria we later find out (And, by the way, Cliff is like 50 years old and still living with her). Well the number he gives Mason is wrong, but fortunately we live in such a small town that the person Mason was talking to says "Oh yeah, that's Cliff. He lives over on May." So, poor Mason, has to practically carry drunk Cliff home. Of course, they get lost, but neighbors along the way know who Cliff is and Mason gets him home safely. During their walk home, Cliff renamed Mason, Jerry, and also promised to pay him $1500 when he got paid. Needless to say, we're still waiting for the money. But we love Cliff now, because he gave Mason his new official "drunk name" of Jerry. Drunk Cliff can come over anytime he wants and lay in our yard!!

5 comments:

darlene said...

That was an amazing story! I seriously feel like I'm missing out because I don't like in Chauncelot

Tiffany said...

I plugged your Blog. You're welcome. Haha!

Sheri&Jason said...

This is awesome!

Michelle Brown said...

Tell Jerry he's my hero

Michelle Brown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.